I dropped out of college at age 19 because of depression. I was flunking everything. Then I bounced around for years, taking a course here and a course there, going from job to job. More than ten years later, I went back to school full time and did very well academically. I guess what helped was I was more mature and had more self-discipline. So it is possible to resume your education and be a better student the second time around. Like me, you might be getting to the point of seeing the futility of all that "bouncing around."

You have to be honest with yourself, if you don't want to repeat the same pattern. The coping mechanisms that will serve you well are commitment and self-discipline. You need to lose some of your current coping mechanisms that are not serving you well. One of those is your tendency to try and over-intellectualize your problems. You are confusing yourself.

Start by talking more plainly. I was trying to figure out what you meant by "economically & existentially insufficient." My guess is that you mean "low paying and boring." I shouldn't have to guess. If you use that kind of murky language when you write term papers and take essay exams, you aren't going to pass your courses. That brings us to another bad coping mechanism that you are using. Stop trying to deflect responsibility away from yourself. You weren't "betrayed" by your mind. You and your mind are one and the same. Yes, you are burdened by emotional issues, as I was. But that's not why you didn't do well in school the last time. If you show up for all your classes, pay attention and do all your homework, you'll pass your classes regardless of what mental health issues you struggle with.

At age 19, I didn't start flunking because I was depressed. I started flunking because I wasn't doing the work. My reason for not doing the work was that I was too depressed to care. My emotional needs were not being met. I was lonely. I suspect something similar is going on with you. My heart goes out to you. Having large unmet emotional needs is painful and can totally sap the motivation to do the work required.

Ask yourself this: "Can I make up my mind to do the work school requires regardless of whether or not I feel good, emotionally? Can I make that commitment and stick to it?" If you feel you have the self-discipline, then go back. If not, then try just taking one course. Doing well in one course might build up your confidence that you can make yourself do what is required.

You correctly identified that the problem is you not attending to your "duties." Clarify that in your mind by letting go of murky ideas like "facets to your deficits." That's how you keep yourself confused because you are being very defensive. You are afraid of feeling guilty. You don't want to blame yourself. This doesn't have to be about blame and guilt. You truly do have a handicap that is making life very hard for you. You didn't choose to have that handicap. Now you want to figure out how to get out of a cycle of failure. To do that you need to think more clearly. Don't be afraid of clear thinking because it might undermine the defenses you've put up. It will empower you. We humans build thoughts out of words. Start using words that a ten year old would understand. When you verbalize things so a kid could understand you, then you will understand yourself. Right now you use language to obscure because you are fearful. Liberate yourself from that and you will stop being "terrified." You don't need to defend yourself from some invisible judge. I'm not judging you. I believe you've been doing the best you know how. But there's a better approach that you can learn.