Work has been very very busy this week so no usual session write up's

Monday's session: Last in person session before T left for trip.
We said our hi's and how are you's. Her good, me lots of things. Silence while I thought very loudly in my head, "don't go" Finally I told her that there was something I wanted to say but I wanted a response from her that would feel a certain way and didn't know what would give me that feeling. After talking and trying to figure it out, the best that came out was feeling heard and her being firmly compassionate in telling me [she was still going]. After talking about this, I felt like I was out of that head space, like we'd over processed it. T started talking about object consistency stuff. I interrupted her and said "I love you", she said, "I know". I said, "Don't go". She didn't respond. Pause. I said, "Please don't go". She again didn't respond. Silence. Silence. Silence. I would look at the floor then back a her. Eventually she said she heard me. Nothing more from her. This is not going the way I want, I am not getting what I wanted from this. I struggle internally with lots of different thoughts. T starts talking, I'm in my head, nothing she says touches me at this point. My thoughts...
...tell me you’re going to go
...do I stay in this moment or do I move on
...the other things we could talk about
...she does not get it
...she’s going to leave and I don’t exist. I tell myself that’s not true I know she thinks about me. I wonder if I exist now in this room and this moment and I tell myself to knock it off and to stop this.
...stop talking, I'm mad at her
...I give her weapons to use against me with my journal and all my sharing.
...okay this is what I got now what do I do with it
...“mommy, don’t go”

Finally I say that I want her to be a mind reader. We joke about this a little bit before I turn things back towards my doubts and struggles. I ask if I am too much, I tell her that I ask a lot of her. She talks about me getting this belief when I was really young, earlier than my memories.

I agree to doing the video visit on Thursday. I told her that I don't want it, but I know that it will be a mistake if I don't accept it - that it would be bad for me.

I picked a piece of the puzzle under the couch and she wrote on it "The life I want is HERE!" then she signed it.

We did a handshake today, while shaking I tell her to come back, she said she would.