This session tonight sssssuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkeddddd! Just awful.
I can’t even put my finger on why exactly.

As you may have read my last few sessions involved a lot of above and beyond behaviors from my t. Which can be intoxicating. And now the letdown week of mixed messages.

We talked about abuse in the news and in the media.

I asked about his boundaries- once he forms a practice will the clinic have tighter rules? He says he will still set his own operating procedures. So meh that should have put me at ease. Somehow it did not.

Then I talked about my lackluster dating experiences and lack therof in general. Another deeply unsatisfying discussion. Nothing he said sat right with me.

To make things worse, he pulled valentines candy out of a drawer, we are not talking a red shaped box but the kind of treats you might get as a kid in school.
He said talk about creepy, a patient gave it to him.

Ok now I’m mad. If this were a psychodynamicly trained therapist he would have recognized that this patient was unconciously or consciously expressing warm feelings towards him It doesn’t necessary mean sexual or romantic feelings. And if so, so what. Therapy dredges up crazy feelings. That’s what it does. I felt sad and angry for that patient. Kashi is trying to get me to laugh along with him? F@@@ you granola boy.

I said to him well that could have been me. Valentines has not been a romantic holiday for me in some time. It generally involves giving candy to friends family and we exchange the kid variety at work. Kashi said he asked the lady what it meant to give him the candy? He said that she said it was just from work and thought he might like it. How hurt and humiliated did this poor lady feel? Maybe she did not think it through that it could be taken romantically.

Next topic is then my terrible love life lack of one forever it seems. I think I tried to talk in a roundabout way how I am a bad read of positive intent from others. Specifically I can’t tell if someone is attracted to me or just likes me or just feels sorry for me or is just being polite. Big hint. Are you even listening to me?

I am feeling duped. All of the caring is a lie. At least my long term t once loved me in a real way. Or at least I think he did. I feel alone and lthay no one can be trusted.

Perfect ending to a shiiiit session. He checks my billing even though I’m usually ahead. He seemed to really pour over that excel spreadsheet as if I were chronicly delinquent. What the actual f??????

I sent him an email saying that I’m safe but I’m thinking of cancelling. You cannot help me. I’m tired of being in pain.