I apologize in advance because this won't make much sense. I feel like I'm going crazy. I mean no offense by that; it's the only word that's been popping in my mind for days and that perfectly embodies the nagging feeling of my thoughts getting way too far ahead of me.
My entire life up until now sums up to nothing. I'm a failure in my studies, in my relationships, in anything I've ever done so far. I'm a university student; I took the path I had always envisioned myself in, but I realized soon enough that I'm not cut out for college life. I'm not one for the merrier, the better - I rather keep quiet and try to make a few friends, since I've learnt that a few is the only thing I can manage.
The few important relationships I have (close family members, friends I can count on one hand) are all but steady; I seemingly am not able to reach steadiness. They go up and down, down and up, following my racing thoughts. I may text someone every single minute for one week straight and then not contact them for weeks, ignoring their texts or calls. It's as if a switch clicks in my brain. The next day I wake up and all of a sudden I know (don't know how, just know) that something (don't know what, either) terribly bad has happened in our relationship overnight and I'm so ashamed of myself I can't face them. The thought of texting them sends me into nausea and tachycardia. I stop going to places where I could bump into them. I don't open my mailbox anymore. Once I didn't dare answer the door for a week. I can't seem to be able to do anything but go away, withdraw into my shell. This happens with family members, too; there are times when I won't visit my grandparents for weeks because of that. It is currently happening with all of my friends and with my supervisor, whom I haven't gotten in touch with for two months out of self-doubts (I will never be good enough to write such a paper) and shame (one more day that I haven't contacted him).
I've found some kind of pattern. This usually happens whenever an episode of depression is about to strike, or when I'm way into it. I also tend to do this when someone expect (or I think they expect) something from me. I know I'm going to fail them, sooner or later, because that's what I always do, so I speed things up so that they won't have to put up with me for too long. I've also found that I compartimentalize; when everything's going alright with my family, my friendships are messed up, and the other way round. I don't know what is that "happens" and which is so bad; I only know that it feels like something has broken inside of me and my heart and mind are being crushed down with sheer force. It lasts for days or even months, until one day I realize it isn't real, it is something my mind made up, and I reach out to them again as if nothing happened. (Now that I've written it down, I feel even more stupid than before.)
Has any of you ever experienced something like this? Or not? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
It's been happening for years, and try as I might, I can't seem to find a way out of this. It's ruining my life and that of the people I care about. I've been lucky enough to find people who would understand, but I don't think they will be understanding for much longer. I myself wouldn't be understanding. They literally tracked me down when I abruptly stopped contacting them due to a major episode of depression, which they helped me recover from. My mother keeps going on about the fact that I'm too lonely, but the truth is that most of the time I think that the friends I have are far more than I deserve, given that I can't seem to be able to treat them as they should be treated, with respect, reliability, and care. I often think I should just give up on friendship, for everyone's sake, since I'm clearly unable to fulfill its basic requirements. Maybe the truth is I'm just selfish - as simple and blunt as that, without looking for other, more complicate reasons. As Occam stated, the simplest answer is probably also the right answer - I really don't know what to think anymore.
Right now I feel like I'm walking on the edge of that black bottomless pit again. I can't see but darkness. I failed at graduating by March, and thus am two years behind. I can see my friends choosing what to do with their lives, moving out of their parents' houses, getting into serious relationships, starting a family. And I feel like I'm stuck. I can't function properly, not even for the basics: study and have friends. Nope, I've got to flip things up every single time. I'm delusional. I feel useless and low. So, so low.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.