Thanks...

My internal antenna, says not to go. And it's confirmed today, not going.

Yesterday I took time and I wrote the kids, I wrote to my sister's S/O, even wrote to my one brother that I haven't seen in a while (not my oldest and not the one I check in once in a while- another brother). And also wrote my mother.
Most have understating.

I wrote to my mother believing it's to give her respect, of hearing the news that I wasn't traveling directly from me... rather than third party to her; and also the respect for others for not having that burden to tell her the news.

my note to my mother was sincere and empathic, my friend proof read it before I sent it.

I had apologize in advance for the disappointing news of me not going out, I wished her well, hope she found self care in this time of grieving; and i mentioned that I had understanding that she was going through a lot of pain.

Her reply:
I'm her disappointment and she's sad for me (pity) because I'm the way I am (because I don't feel stable enough).. She tells me that she's gotten no help from me, etc. That this funeral is for my sister. She also goes on to say she's left me her number several times and I never call-
I'm unsure where that number is, because in the messages it's not there. But she's right, I probably wouldn't call, and for good reasons why.

I could be a raging person, yes there's pain with this.
But where does that get me? I could curled up in a ball but where does that get me?
I did get sad, but wrote-

right now, I simply am preceiving this as she's hurt.
Not to take this personal, and to let the thoughts of some things come and go.

I'll never understand why she had kids (well I do, because some folks don't want to break the cycle), but we're all such a disappointment to her and horrible people; until we do something for her- then we're demigods.

I see t in a little bit, I'm thankful for friends, therapy and the little things that help get me by