Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin
Hey DechanDawa,
I often feel when I read your posts that we are kindred spirits. I agree with everything you wrote.
One point comes to mind. I don't think depression is one thing even though we use the same word to describe moods in different conditions, in different people, and even in the same person over time.
There are different kinds of depression. I'm thinking in particular of that recent gene expressions study of 700 brains that found that although schizophrenia and bipolar overlap considerably, there is little overlap with major depression and either bipolar or schizophrenia. Indeed there is more overlap of these two conditions with autism spectrum disorder than with major depression.
The way my depression is manifesting these days is that I want to hide from the world and lie on my couch all day. This is a literal statement. I fear that my immediate future will be one miserable death spiral and I am seemingly waiting for another piece of bad news to drop. I just don't want to face the lonely cold world that I live in. This is a mental prison like what you write about for borderline.
Sometimes I wish that I had never asked for that chest xray after I quit smoking and discovered I had lung cancer. I would most likely be dead already if it weren't for that. But then I remember about hope. I don't actually wish to be dead. That whole stream of thought is rather sobering and helps me stay grounded.
I used to have hope for a better future. When i am depressed my future seems bleak and indeed hopeless. And I think that no one will like me or want me in their lives and my loneliness will only get worse or I'll make bad choices and bring the wrong people into my life.
I have to make myself get up of the couch and go out even when I don't want to. That is one thing I learned from CBT a few years ago that not only do feelings affect behavior but behavior effects feelings too.
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What would happen if you decided to do more...even as you are now? My mother had cancer off and on for 20 years from age 40 to 60 when she died. She was very productive. She pushed for joy. This didn't mean she did not have depression. She did. She just did not let it run her life.
I think how my mother did this is when she felt better she would do something. She didn't waste a positive moment.
That is how depression is and how you describe it, isn't it? It isn't a static mindset. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes I feel we do make depression into a sort of god that we must always bow down to...like saying we can't do this or that because we are depressed.
I do know what you mean about the lung cancer, though. I was a smoker and I won't have a test to see if I am in the clear. It could very well be my time is limited. I feel guilty wasting time.
We can't really know what we are capable of until we try.
Insofar as letting the wrong kind of people into your life. Well, you are in control of that. You are probably in a lot more control than you believe, te.
We all need friends who believe in us even when we don't believe in ourselves.
I have been thinking lately that my family and old friend kind of keep me down. For whatever reasons (of their own) they have low expectations of me...which I then fulfill. So now I am starting to feel glad they aren't anywhere near me. I have a chance to start over...with raised expectations.
You survived a terrible physical ordeal. Please be kind to yourself. Please don't bang your head against the wall, te. You don't deserve that. You deserve respect for what you have been through.
