IN my mind, in my dreams, you are here. The thoughts, memories, torture of madness.

I heard the door open and knew my father was home. I was dreading the moment he came home for I knew what was to come. I had covered my bed in all of my teddies, even at the age of 14, in hopes that they would protect me. As I lay silently in my bed with my guardes all around, I heard him yelling, banging up the stairs as it felt like an earthquake with his anger. I knew my mom told him that the school decided to hold me back a year as my recent suicide attempt and depression put my grades too far behind. Fear washed over me and I wished that I was successful with my attempt to leave the sadness I felt so close to my broken heart.

I heard him come closer and my body froze in fear. What was he going to do this time? Was he going to kill me?? My door flew open, leaving a reminder in my wall that his anger had exploded once again. My precious guardians could do no good as he grabbed me by the hair and ripped me out of my safe haven. Through the hallway, screaming, "please dad, I beg you to stop, you're hurting me." The racing thoughts went rushing and all I could hear was cursing and pure anger as he drug me down the stairs. I could feel the bruises starting to form. Through our kitchen, to the dinner table where he shoved me head first into the wall. He screamed at me to get my school work out, but I was so frantic to see straight, I could not move.

Bang, a kick to the side.......a blood curdling scream to get the hell up. So I did, slowly, but I did. Shaking uncontrollably, I gathered my books. For every answer I got wrong I was blessed with a cuff across my face. But soon he realized that my face was swelling, so my head was now the target of insanity. Hours passed when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Totally drained from torment, from fear of answering his questions wrong.....he let me go back to my place of darkness, in my bed, my sanctuary.

Why did I not die when I wanted to. Why could I have not suceeded with my attempt? Now the memories and the tears pouring......I HATE YOU FOR THIS!!!! I can't sleep and no wonder why I can't eat. Cause I hate me for not suceeding the first time. Cause I hate me for my failures. Let me die from despair, I can't remember anymore, I don't want to remember anymore............