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Old Jan 11, 2005, 06:22 AM
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Crazy_Charlie Crazy_Charlie is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2004
Location: Utrecht, the Netherlands (mostly)
Posts: 86
Thank you so much for all the nice replies

jmo531: I'm not so sure I really wanted an advice as such, I have so many good advices lying spread around that I never use, an I feel shameful about it. It always sounds so easy, and I feel stupid about walking around feeling so sorry about myself... And everytime the cloud lifts, I am surprised, because usually I havent done anything to mak eit lift, it just goes away by itself. When I start working again I will go to a privat clinic and pay them for meassuring everything that can possibly be meassured. It might not make any difference in the long run, but at least I know I have tried then.

emily4040: yes, you are right. Years and years of depression changes the chemistry in the brain... some people even claim it's permanently. I haven't managed to find a proper scientific article yet that can prove it, we'll just have to wait and see. Sometimes I just curse the fact that no one saw what was wrong when the whole spinning started when I was 11. But in that age things starts clogging up with your folks, tension is higher, and downs are viewed as usual. My mother DID send me to a psychologist when I was 12, but she did a bad job in finding a good one... oh well, too late now, better look at the things I CAN do something about. I guess.

kimmydawn: I used to write very good, and I dreamt about being a writer once. But during the years I have lost a lot of it, and everytime I start a story I seem unable to finish it. I have saved all my writings from earlier though, which should cover around 500 poems and 30 short stories. I'll pass them over to my daughter at some point. These days I'm spending so much time with writing articles and papers, that I spend my creativity on other things instead. I paint and decorate, and know a lot of different needlework. But when it clogs up, I don't feel like doing anything, nothing. These days I have serious problems eating, which is really not typically me. My boyfriend says I have to go to the doctor, but I'm a bit... for what? I don't have the energy right now. Just want to sleep. But yes, my goal is still to be abl eto control this. From the very first moment I open my eyes and just KNOW... it's started again.

obsids: yeah, I saw the first movie with Harry Potter I'm more of a Lord of the Rings fan though. Sometimes I actually wonder if my body has the need to do all this to me once in a while. But when I'm in a better state than now, I know thats ********. I've been trying to adjust my nutritients to about perfect, and that helped a lot.... but then of course something really bad happened in my family so I was sent swirling down again. I never really came back to controlling the intake of good/bad food again (it was in a good way, not a bad way, luckily I have never suffered from eating disorders), but I think it is about time to think about it again, when this ends. If I can just eat soemthing at all soon.

_Sky: I have been hoping many times that going home will help me to work through the ghosts... but so far it has just given me mor eof them. It's funny though... the worst things that happened was inside my own familys home, but that is gone now, and only faint memories are left behind. The place has also changed considerably the years I have been away.. the roead goes differently, the wood has grown wild some places and is cut down other places. But it's the people, the eyes. I get paranoid... how I come into the shop and everybody stops talking and just stares at you, and if you look at them they will pretend as if they saw straight through you. It makes me remember how they treated my mother for having left the place just to move back again later (she married and moved south, then divorced and came home with my three siblings... not very usual in the 70s). She was never again accepted, because she had "thought she was so much better than them", and besides, she was from a family of lunatics, so she was most likely a lunatic herself. Our home was filled with books, and every time someone visited us, there was a comment on that. Books doesn't have any value for many farmers.
It's how they never recognize me, even though I'm a mirror of my father, and he was a well accpeted man there. And most of the people there used to know me very well, heck, most of them are my relatives! And they don't even recognize me? Oh, and how they talk about you without ever talking directly TO you.... I could rant on forever.

Yeah, I know you're not preaching me. When I manage to take control over my thoughts, in a way, they suddenly make a new move. This time I hardly don't think at all. I just want to sleep. Sleep and sleep. I went to bed at 6pm last night, and didn't get up before 9am this morning.... but I think I could have slept all day. I dream very aggressive and confusing dreams, but wake up with my head filled of.... nothing. Just darkness. It feels like I can't walk steadily anymore, as if I'm carrying a lot of extra weight, and the food I put in my mouth just goes bigger and bigger for every chew. Oh well, I guess it will pass this time also. As always before.

Wants2Fly: Funny thing is, my antidepressives worked fine in the beginning. After the side effects wore off an dthe real effect started working, I was fine for almost 4 months... and then it was like stepping into a huge pit in th eroad just to discover I just kept going down and down. If I could choose though, I'd rather go on without any meds. I have read so much biology in my studies that the thought of using the meds from this time is scaring me... they know so little about them!

wisewoman: I'm sorry I haven't been around much for you lately, there's so many things happening, and I hardly have time to be online. But I have read some of your posts, and I see that you are still struggling with the loss of your loved one, and lots of other things. So sad to hear.
In many ways I think it's not that bad that I don't have a home to go back to as such... it's far away, and this country has so many other features than Norway. But I miss the mountain, the sea, and all the smells in the spring! Espescially in may, when the spring starts showing in Norway, and the summer is about to begin in the Netherlands, I get restless and want to go mountain walking. I tried Scotland, but it just wasn't the same (no trees, and too many tourists). And in other countries I can't find back all the small treassures I had around... the huge tree on the beach that I could sit under even if it was poring down and still be dry. The two giant rocks on the opposite side where it's just enough room for one person to slide between, and then be invisible for the rest of the world. The big hole in the ground from the iceage, that the really old Norwegians thought was made by trolls. The perfect fishing spot, the perfect bathing spot. How to get into the secret end of the fjord, what paths to go to find paradise. And so forth.
But we are now buying a house, and hopefully my daughter will find her spots around our home, and maybe I will be a better mother than my own mom, so she will share them with me



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*"Although we do not know if criminal activity would decrease with the remission of symptoms for either ADHD or depression, we do understand that treatment of illness is humane and required even for prison polulations"*