Honestly the majority of the "session" on Wednesday wasn't bad. There have been some things at work that have been stressful that I talked about a little bit. He wanted to talk about RoboT because he was confused about the series of events, why was it so upsetting, etc. I'm guessing that he was confused/concerned about why I became so emotional at the end of our last session. So I tried to detach and explain everything, and he was helpful in keeping me grounded during the conversation. Pull back on the details if you're getting worked up, breathe, etc.

After that he said he wanted to continue to explore some grounding techniques with me to see what works and what doesn't. Some were helpful and some weren't. He did this one where he wanted me to think of a positive thing while he moved his fingers back and forth, but I was distracted by his fingers. I know he's leading me down the preparation route to try EMDR (he's trained) but I have reservations. We discussed that for a bit. I asked him what if I was never okay doing EMDR? He said that ultimately I'm the boss, he works for me, but wanted me to consider it for a lot of reasons. Empirical studies show it's effective with trauma, and I've been down almost every other road with little success. "We could certainly look at things from a psychodynamic object relations perspective, and we'd probably make progress, but eventually we'd probably hit a wall. Then we'd need to revisit this conversation because I don't want to sit here and take your money." What a lovely thought.

We were going back to try some other grounding techniques, but he understood that the fingers can be distracting. He said when he is the EMDR client, that he doesn't prefer that either. Our other options are that I could tap myself, he could tap me (which no, ugh) or the...i can't remember what he called them. It's a contraption that has two things you hold that vibrate. He showed them to me last session, but I was already activated about RoboT, and it made me think of the dream where he raped me.

I said that I'd be open to trying with the vibrating thing, since I was in a much calmer state, but I was triggered by it. He had the box in his lap to control the intensity and speed of the vibrating, and I was focused on how this contraption went from his lap to my hands and I got freaked out.

This was at the end of the session, so a 2nd week in a row where I was in a bad headspace at the end. He asked if I was okay, and I said that I just wanted to leave and spiral out. Sob in the car, go home and SH, then go to bed. My usual MO. He said no, stay and calm down. I tried a couple of techniques we tried in session but I couldn't calm down. I just wanted to cry, but I couldn't. He was encouraging me to let go. Fall apart in here where it's safe. But the therapy room isn't safe. I haven't had a good proper cry in therapy since RoboT. I feel blocked now.

Eventually I recognized that it didn't matter how long I stayed. I wasn't going to calm down. So I paid, asked him to book our next session and was preparing to walk out. He asked if I could promise that I wasn't going to hurt myself, which I couldn't. All I was able to say was that I wanted to go home, eat dinner, and go to bed. That wasn't good enough for him. He got me to sit back down. I continued to escalate. I just wanted to leave. He said let's make a safety plan. I'd like to call your husband so that he can keep an eye on you. I refused. My husband didn't know that I'd begun to SH again.

He said, okay I need a minute, I'll be right back. There was someone else in the office he got to watch me to make sure I didn't bolt. I assume. He wanted to leave the door open but I begged him to close it. When he came back in he called the local crisis line to consult. He offered to put the call on speaker so that I could hear it but I refused. I got the gist that they said he was going down the right path.

He got off the phone and said let's just call your husband, and I still refused. He said he needed to make sure that I was going to be safe and he was very concerned. I begged him to just let me go. That I would be fine. He said that he thought about it, but then wondered if he would be letting me down. I said probably. That I do this to people. I set up these impossible scenarios where you'll always fail. "So is this a test, then?"

That made me furious. I grabbed my stuff and started to walk out. He called me by my full name as I was leaving. So it would be like if someone here called me Daisydid instead of just Daisy. My bio mom is one of the only people who calls me by my full name, and since I was already upset I got very angry. I yelled at him. He corrected.

"Daisy, sit down, please. I don't want to call the police but you're not leaving is very many options."

So I called everyone I could think of whom I could trust. My stepmother was taking a nap. My best friend was at the airport getting ready to fly home from Miami. My friend answered the phone and begged me to call my husband. Since my options were to call him or be committed, I finally called my husband. He said a couple of things that bothered me, specifically that sometimes I can be attention seeking. I don't deny this, but that statement coupled with the conversation about the test, and I'm convinced Bubbles is going to hate me. But the conversation that Bubbles had with my husband was sufficient for me to finally leave. I was in that office for 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I finally calmed down Thursday afternoon and felt very badly about what transpired. I don't really want to go back and see Bubbles, but I see all of this as very good fuel for the fodder, so to speak. So I'm going to go back, but needed to hear that it was okay that I did. I ended up calling on Friday to "confirm" the appointment. He called me back and said it was still in his book and he looks forward to seeing me on March 2nd.