Trigger warning: Talk about death...
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Do you find that this condition stays predominantly in the fore front of your mind no matter what task you are doing ? That every living moment it’s there as a flashing light or klaxon that you can’t forget?

Everytime you move, look in a mirror, deal with a trigger, deal with life, every breath you take... an unshakeable horrible obsession much like unto having cancer- an overbearing weight of finality. I hate to compare it to having cancer, but that’s how it seems/feels- your life is screwed and this condition is terminal- the mind has cancer. It seems the older I get the more the symptoms show and the more mental control deteriorates.

The only way I can distract myself is to work 6 days a week or drink heavily. Working isn’t about the money because I can get by on a regular work week- it:s just to keep the mind occupied and focused on task. Then we go home to numb our noggin.

This I feel is the crux of our addiction, the why we drink: our alcoholism- drinking makes us feel good, puts us at ease. If it weren’t this condition...would I be drinking like this....I don’t think so. All I can remember that is we have been in self-destruct mode till we had a kid 20 years ago. Now that he’s (a distraction) has moved out, the mental obsession is back.

Once again I’m looking at the future in the face, and I see nothing. Any idea, want or goal is quickly absorbed into the mental quicksand of our mind into oblivion to be forgotten. Hopelessness prevails.

We have a bicycle because the littles want a bike to go bike riding, but nobody has ridden it in 2 years but only once since purchased because a few of the shy others don’t want to be seen in public riding it. This is just a taste of the daily internal conflict we live. Now let’s apply this scenario to every freaking thing that we say, do, and think. It’s like one’s soul is being yanked in every different direction, even over the simplest of decision every other moment. It’s so much easier to just give up and do nothing then to go through the mental circus over every single thing.

In a sense: we are waiting to die.

Well, there it is right there....try existing to no longer we exist. To endure our mental conflicts while enduring our physical conflicts> always fighting for predominance in mind, body and life. We are developing hypertension, stress related of course.

That’s another thing...do you feel compulsed or a deep desire to explain yourself or give excuse or reason for the things you do? But often can’t because the explanation to a lay person’s ear that is ignorant to this condition will fall short in disbelief or ridicule? Often time I just give up before I start and just carry my cross.

Gotta get ready for work....on call for the next 72 hours then volunteered for a whole new week of standby before realizing it. This body hurts, sore, swollen and tired. We been moving 300 lb. washer/dryer combos up and down stairs all week with more to follow. Why do we do what we do? Just gotta shrug it off and keep going till we drop.