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Originally Posted by tecomsin
The way my depression is manifesting these days is that I want to hide from the world and lie on my couch all day. This is a literal statement. I fear that my immediate future will be one miserable death spiral and I am seemingly waiting for another piece of bad news to drop. I just don't want to face the lonely cold world that I live in. This is a mental prison like what you write about for borderline.
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I actually feel for you with this. A part of me also still just wants to just lie down in bed I think, though I've managed to push this part back a lot so I'm at least able to get up pretty well.
(Maybe this is useful somehow, so I'll note it here: someone did help here actually, with getting up in the morning. They helped with keeping a watch on me, I'd report to them when I got up etc. And I felt like they cared by trying to help like this. And that helped a lot.)
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I used to have hope for a better future. When i am depressed my future seems bleak and indeed hopeless. And I think that no one will like me or want me in their lives and my loneliness will only get worse or I'll make bad choices and bring the wrong people into my life.
I have to make myself get up of the couch and go out even when I don't want to. That is one thing I learned from CBT a few years ago that not only do feelings affect behavior but behavior effects feelings too.
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You sound like pretty low yeah.
(Same for me so I know what it is like... The difference is only that my thoughts are about a bit different things, but they are similarly strongly negative/seem like very difficult issues.)
CBT style thinking should help work through thoughts like this... But it can take some time to think it through in that constructive way. At least for me. So I think CBT on its own isn't enough, for some reason... Some sort of emotional management must also be needed, but that's where things often get confusing to me.
I wish you good luck! (Sorry, I know this post of yours needs more than just wishing good luck but I'm not finding the right words right now...)
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Originally Posted by tecomsin
I would say my paranoid, grandiose psychoses function in a similar way because in it I am an important person and what I do or don't do actually matters, whereas normally my life these days seems quite meaningless. It's an escape from reality. What kind of negative emotionality do you experience that you are distracting yourself from with the mental addiction?
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Yes, this is a good point, that's how your grandiose psychotic stuff functions IMO, yeah. It could be a long process to redirect your attitude to finding meaning in actual life again, I think. But you can start on it.
What kind of negative emotionality uhh... Extreme emotional pain that I'm not even able to fully feel, I first feel it physically (I'm alexithymic BTW), it's stuff like a stab in my stomach, and it's so stressful that I can only feel it for a second before my brain has to shut it down. Maybe it's not a good idea to dwell in it anyway.
I feel that way when it comes to a certain topic. But in general too, I often just don't feel at all comfortable when I try to look outside my head. And that's a bit mysterious to me because I'm not even thinking about anything specifically, and yet I feel quite uncomfortable.
I also often have similar physical and strongly stressful feelings when I try to look at - not even start, just look at! and focus on! - a task I, or a part of me, want to do. This is the part I am really stuck at currently. Right now I'm not experiencing such feelings in response to the idea of doing work, but I wasted 3 days on this until last night.
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You know, maybe this is the root of my depression beside the energy problem... not being satisfied with just getting through the day. I also have a weird emotional dysregulation all the way round.
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Yeah, I definitely want more than just getting through the day. Do you know what more do you want? This is important, to be aware of that first.
I do, and I know the sensible thing to do would be incorporate steps into my day towards working all those things too. But at that point I suddenly feel very mentally tired and unable to think about what steps to do. So that's another crucial point that I'd need to overcome. Because otherwise I will remain stuck in place.
I'm actually doing some concrete steps for it sometimes BTW. When I get lucky and am able to focus and think about it a bit and decide on a step. It's just rare. Then I execute that step when I get lucky and am able to...
What is your weird emotional dysregulation like if I can ask?
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How do I get started. Well it is just grim determination to not pay attention to all the thoughts of how uncomfortable I will be, even going to the grocery store can become an insurmountable obstacle at times. But today I met a friend for lunch, took a short walk with her, went shopping and came home.
That counts as a full day for me nowadays.
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Ah, yeah, randomly even small tasks get to seem very uncomfortable to focus on. I like your approach. If I am able to get to this state where I am able to focus on grim determination, then I'm all set too actually. Getting to that state is the tricky thing for me.
You all are inspiring me now... Maybe I should write down the most important thoughts that help me get into that state and then every time I'm in the bad place where I just react with those physical (and sometimes emotional) stress reactions, I can pull up that paper and look at it... Because I'm otherwise sure to forget to think of this stuff, for a long time...
Thank you!
And maybe you want to try this too? I don't know if it's a helpful suggestion, e.g. if you don't even get to forget like I do.
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The emptiness for me is a complete lack of interest in doing anything other than hiding from the world. I'm not sure what you mean by doing things neatly but did want to add that I also appreciate your thoughtful comments in this thread.
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Hmm I don't feel it as emptiness, I just feel it as wanting to be comfortable and resting. It's all quite a physical feeling again.
By doing things neatly, I meant that I do the tasks I want to do according to plan. (And yeah, when I write down this sentence... maybe the emptiness you mention, is lurking in the background, as a real feeling now?! Hmm. I mean, me imagining my doing this stuff neatly, I get to feel that's not enough... there is something missing very much.)
And really thanks for your kind lines here.