I just needed a space to rant because right now, I really want to s-h with fists, and I don't know where else to post this, but I needed to get it out. I'm trying not to think about it, though.

It never fails, does it?

Finally find a person who I am physically attracted to (and that's a huge flaw of mine, I'll admit, but it seems like everyone tells me it's wrong to want to find someone with a pair of pretty eyes or other feature), and decide to completely cut out any sexual aspect to it for the sake of simply enjoying my time being with her as a person, and I still find ways to screw it up. Last night, I literally watched it unravel in front of me because of my own insecurities and fears that came out unexpectedly and in a way I didn't want them to. And I don't want to go into much detail because the circumstances involve her, and her secrets are her own to keep. I came very close to adding a scar to the collection I have for each name, but then I realized something else. It doesn't matter because whether I put it on my arm, or I don't, the scar is already there inside, waiting to fester, and every one of them was earned.

I think I am one of those rare people who can say that they truly deserve it. I managed to stop from hitting myself more than once, and good thing my retractable utility knife wasn't at hand. But none of it matters, I think, because it's not enough. It's never enough.

We were supposed to meet up today.

/sigh I really, really f*king hate you (me).

Ain't no rest for the wicked,
no sleep is for the damned--
the wolf inside ruined everything
with shallow sharp demands.

As I lay dying here
glad it's finally done--
my blood spilled with a sigh
not by sword or gun,

Now to dream the dreamless sleep
and never wake again--
death to the wolf that ruined it all
and never was my friend.