When something is hard to do, we don't always succeed the first try. One failure doesn't mean you won't succeed this time. Try to learn from your past mistakes. Should you have planned better? Should you have spent less time with your H once you had made the decision to go? Try not to let guilt get the upper hand. Marriage vows mean something to us but on the otherhand your relationship is literally killing you and you have put you H and children before your own needs for a very, very long time. You have problems but they are impossible to rise above when your husband causes you so much stress.