Part 1 of 2.
Bonus half-hour session with T this morning to address my reaction to his e-mail response regarding his going out of town (see a few posts above for that). I was having a panic attack on the drive there, felt like I was going to be sick. He retrieved me a minute early.

Went back and sat down. I thanked him for seeing me, he thanked me for being willing to come to office (I'd initially requested phone call, since I didn't know he'd be in today).

He said, "I really have no idea why you wanted to meet today." I started crying, said it was mostly about his e-mail response. He said he wasn't sure what in that I was reacting to. I said partly the ending, the "Have a fabulous week." He looked confused. I said, "It's like I'm really struggling here, and you're all, 'Have a fabulous week!'" He said, "I didn't realize you were struggling that much." Me: ??? "It's mostly stuff about your going away. I thought I made that clear in the e-mail." He asked if there was stuff I hadn't brought up in session. I said how some of it didn't really hit me till I got home. Or else it was right at the end of session, so couldn't really discuss.

I forget when exactly he said this part, but was near beginning. The e-mails and texts (where I requested a phone call) from last night came up. He said how the e-mail had been fine, but he found the texts to be "intrusive." I said, "I'm sorry." He said, "It's OK, I'm not mad. But I just wanted to let you know because I said before I would be straight with you if something bothered me, since I know that's something you worry about." I thanked him and said I was confused, because he said text was for scheduling, and I thought of phone calls as scheduling, since I hadn't expected him to be in office today (he works some Sundays, but not generally Saturdays). He said it wasn't that, it was his phone going off in the evening, so during his personal time. I said I made sure it was before 10, since I thought 10 was his time boundary. He said, true, but I should have e-mailed, because that he can choose to check when he wants, but if his phone goes off, he feels compelled to check it and respond. That he tries to keep work and home separate. I think I apologized again, and he said was OK, just letting me know how he felt.

He asked me more about what I wanted to talk about. I said another thing was how he'd said in the e-mail that it was "kind" of me to say I'd miss him. He asked why that bothered me. "What were you hoping I'd say? Did you hope I'd say 'I'll miss you, too'?" Me: "No! I definitely wasn't expecting you to say that!" T: "OK, what should I have said?" Me: "I mostly just wanted to know that it was OK that I was feeling and sharing that with you. So just something like, "I understand why you're feeling that, and it's OK." He replied, "But that sounds harsher to me than 'It's kind of you to say.'" Me: "I think of 'It's kind' as the response to, 'That's a nice shirt.' This was me expressing something I was scared to express." T: "Oh, I didn't realize you were that worried about it." (I forget what I said there, but I should have said, "Um, that's why I said in the e-mail that I was hoping it was OK to feel and share that with you...")

I was having so much trouble getting the words out, kept crying, panicking. I apologized a couple times, and he said it was OK. T looked at my hands and said, "You're shaking. Are you really this anxious talking about all this?" Me: "Yes." T: "Are you afraid something bad is going to happen in this session?" Me: "Maybe? I don't know. I'm just scared."

I said I think much of this is because I'm trying to separate from MC now, too...and I guess ex-T. He said that made sense, since they were big supports for me. I said something else about MC, how I feel nothing for him right now like not anger, sadness, or love. And that was hard, like a loss. He asked if it felt like more than a typical loss would feel like for me. I said yes...how it felt like there was this connection there that was gone. "Like I could feel his caring for me all the time. I could feel the connection. And this is going to sound cheesy, but it's like, I felt him there in my heart. And that seems to be gone now." I was sobbing during this. T was just looking at me compassionately during this--I forget if he said anything. Then I said, "It's just like there's this emptiness now, this void..."

I then added, "I don't think I'm replacing him with you in that space either. Because I still feel the emptiness. And it was a different thing with him, like this whole other...I don't know, a thing that...what's the word I'm looking for here...ballooned? No that's not it. Snowballed? Maybe. That it just kept growing into its own entity. Like with me caring a lot about him, too. And now it's just gone."

Will end part 1 on that cheery note. Part 2 to come...