I don't want to be clingy, but it is terrifying that I have to go to work and deal with my social anxiety issues and so on. When I'm in the middle of it, it feels like I'm not going to make it out, it just feels like too much to handle. I have been trying to keep ahead of my darkness and fear, and I am doing better at it than I ever have been. But it doesn't make it a lot easier to take. I am doing what I am supposed to do, but it sometimes is so overwhelming and seems to be happening on a daily basis. I think I feel bad that I haven't done everything I should/could have done regarding getting things ready at work, but I had no idea really what I needed to do because this is my first time doing this. I'm staying in my room trying to avoid my reactions to things. I feel so much safer there. I have to call my GP and ask for another appointment, and I am avoiding it like the plague. I don't want to be called irresponsible. I can't help that I have no memory whatsoever, and I'm stressed and ashamed about it, even though I couldn't really help it. I need to get a really good smart phone and rely on it. All of this sounds so trite, like not a big deal, but to me, I am trying to work with affect that is excruciating and trying to maintain my energy and my stress tolerance. I wonder what it would be like if I was normal and didn't have to deal with my forgetfulness, my terror of other people/rejection, etc.? I think it would be like winning the lottery. I can't imagine going to work and not having at least a few instances where I feel like an idiot and feel judged which leads to painful affect.