Thank you once again for the kind and supportive replies. I wish for everyone to be well. I apologize to interrupt everyone’s Saturday, weekend and so forth in order to post yet again in an attempt for input and any help.

Just to clarify, I do not want to be mistreated, disrespected, abused, used and so on, nor do I like to be. I find myself still struggling mightily to be and live each second of each day. I am in incredible pain, suffering, and torment. I also feel tortured. I still have yet to attempt to contact my ex.

I keep questioning if my ex ever loved (and/or still loves) me and if she ever had feelings (and/or still has feelings) for me. Additionally, I still love her, yet I am choosing to not try to contact her. Additionally, she seemingly has yet to attempt to contact me and is unconcerned. It is as if I were nothing to her, which I accept if that is so, yet I keep reflecting on if she ever had feelings (and if she did, does she still have feelings) for me. Moreover, she seems to be well and fine with these circumstances of not being in each other’s lives, living her life without one another and so on. Conversely, I am not well. I am not ok. I am far from it.

Furthermore, the status of not being in each other’s lives coupled with her seemingly so well with not communicating, not being in each other’s lives, existing in existence without being with one another and so on torments me. It is almost about to be one month since we last spoke.

I still cry much throughout almost every day. I still love this woman and still want to be together, yet I am consciously choosing to not try to contact and reconnect with her and consciously choosing to try to not be in each other’s lives. I do not deny how she was, how she was not, what she did to me and did not to me. I ask myself how and why would I be with her after the past and considering the present.