Bonus T Session: Part 2 of 2
I said how T probably realizes this, but my strong reaction to his going away isn’t all about him. Like, his trip is triggering other stuff for me. He said he suspected that, but it was good to hear me say it, too. I said it was like I was projecting other stuff onto him, or I guess...transferring it. Which led to me reluctantly using the term transference regarding him, since, I mean, that's basically the definition of it...But I said I wasn't sure what sort of transference it was (thankfully, he didn't try to further pursue that--I would NOT want to have that conversation right before he went out of town).

We talked more about his going out of town and why I wanted to know where he was going. I said I think part of it is concerns about his safety I'd want to know if he was going someplace dangerous, like with political unrest. He said, "Like Cameroon." I said yes. He said, "As compared to my going someplace like Albuquerque." I agreed, but that said I knew stuff could happen anywhere, so it's a false sense of security.

He said how part of why he doesn’t disclose that much about himself is it seems like I’ll (or other clients will) want to “take care of him.” Like if I know more stuff, I’ll tailor what I talk about around that. If I know he likes certain things, might talk about them to sort of entertain him. And that would take the focus away from me. That he doesn't need to be taken care of by his clients.

T brought up the thing again about me trying to figure him out, how it's like he's this 1,000-piece puzzle, and I have 80 pieces so far. I said how I tend to do that with everyone, that it gives me a sense of control, maybe. But I think it’s probably a false sense of control. I said, "Like...maybe if I think I have someone completely figured out, then they can’t abandon me?" He said that's something to explore more in future sessions.

He said it seems I’m especially that way (trying to figure them out) with people who I think of as “nurturers,” who would take care of me, and he put himself in that category. I said yeah…so that obviously comes from childhood. He said it also it seems that I seek others’ approval, especially from “nurturers." I said that definitely comes from my mom.

T said doing that Imago exercise that he gave me worksheets for earlier in the week should help with some of the motivations behind those things, like the figuring people out stuff. Apparently, he’ll take the info from those worksheets and there’s this Mad Libs sort of thing, where you fill in stuff from each section to make a narrative (he didn’t give me those sheets).

He also suggested I read the book that all that stuff is based on, Getting the Love You Want (which I ordered when I got home). He said it's meant for couples, but explores a lot of childhood stuff, too. And it talks about how we tend to look for partners that have similar traits as our caregivers, then try to work out stuff from childhood through them. But that we can't really work it out if we're using childlike techniques (or something like that). And because they're different people than our caregivers. I said that was interesting because in a past MC session, I think MC had me describing the traits I wanted in a partner? And he said it sounded more like I was looking for a protector and caregiver than an equal partner. T seemed intrigued by that.

Somewhere in there, he asked if I journaled, and I said I used to a long time ago, but don't anymore. That my journaling ends up more posts on the forum. He suggested I take some of those posts and put them in a Word document so I can put some of the insights together, to have something to look back at. I said that was a good idea and could maybe be a project for next week.

Adding something I forgot: Also in there, he mentioned my fear about his dying. He said, "If that would happen, you'd get through it. You'd be sad--and I appreciate in advance that sadness--and you'd have to find a new therapist, but you'd do that and you'd get through it." I said I knew that, but still hard to think about.

It was right on the half hour. He gave me an inquisitive look and asked if this had helped. I said it had, that I wasn't sure at the start, but it had ended up being helpful. And that I was definitely glad I hadn't sent him the e-mail response I'd been writing.

I went over to his desk and paid. He stood up and said, "I really do hope you have a good week." (reflecting the e-mail--thankfully, he refrained from saying "fabulous" this time!). I said, "Thanks, you too." Then he said he was following me out to the waiting room to get his next client, which he never does, but I think it was because we went like 2 minutes over--he usually goes though full hour though. (It was a couple, they looked at me--I'm sure I looked a wreck--looked at him, asked him if he needed a few minutes, but he said he was fine.)

Still feeling generally OK about session and about T, hopefully it will stick!