Ok I’m going to try to capture the essence of my emergency session last night. I was really out of it when I walked in. T thought I was a little dissociative which doesn’t happen to me very often. I told him how I had cried at various points during the day but at that moment I felt numb and can’t access anything.

He seemed more put together, formal (oh crap) and even dressed a little sharper than his usual casual look. He started out pretty formal putting on his authority voice. Again, worrisome. He says how talking about another client in a negative way was a mistake on his part that he won’t do again. Then he panicked me with talking about tightening the boundaries. He said that talking about my friends and family seems to hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you. I asked if this change was permanent that I could understand if he wanted to back off of those things for awhile but forever? He said forever is a long time and he readjusts boundaries as needed. He doesn’t think super tight boundaries are for everyone either. So, still worried.
Asked about other things and he still sees the value in the driving, the occasional contact between sessions and hugs are still ok until I say they are not That kinda made me feel better. That he is only tightening the boundary issues that are problematic. It did worry me though that he may not take me into one of his DBT groups because seeing him be kind to people who are not me is hurtful to me But isn’t that real life? I’m hoping he does not bar me forever from his group.
I’m apologizing too much during this session and he says something off the wall like I’m going to be like bunny foo foo and gently bop you on the head if you keep apologizing
Im still unhappy, but he asks if I want a hug and I take it. Then I burst into tears actual sobbing. And apologized again. Before he pulls me back in for a deeper hug he puts his hand on my head gently and does something between stroking my head and mussing up my hair And says under his breath “oh bunny foo foo”. I get a really long hug as I cry. I’ve been wanting something like that for a long time. I know this all might sound infantalizing to others I but I crave this badly.
We both sit back down and he asks I want to try a grounding exercise. I say maybe later but I need to keep talking. I don’t know if he understands why all of this upset me I tried to explain that my connections to people are so fragile. He and I were rock solid for weeks then this. I even start to feel paranoid that he is intentionally trying to hurt me or screw with my emotions. I told him not to let me quit so easily. He said he did not but can’t stop me either. He said that it wouldn’t be like losing other patients that it would deeply affect him. I told him he means a great deal to me and if I threaten to quit it is because I’m in this strange state where he feels hostile to me.
I still wanted to talk about the gift from his other patient. He kept saying that she was inappropriate and I never am. Not my point. I felt like he was trying to tell me something by telling me that story. He says he’d never be that indirect. He would just say what he means. I said that it felt like he was telling me that having warm feelings for your therapist is kind of gross. At some point he paused and was silent and said “oh.” And more silence. He says I get it now. You were putting yourself in her shoes only you know more than she knows. I was thinking “finally! He might actually get it. He said feelings themselves just are, not right or wrong just actions he would call out. I said that I get attached to all my therapists all in different ways. I mean I love you, hoping he is taking this in the spirit in which it is meant. I could never hurt someone’s family. He then said if you ever were to develop sexual feelings for him that we could talk about it, that we can talk about anything. I think he gets that he made it unsafe to talk about taboo subjects.
At some point during this cringey conversation I tore off a cuticle. ATaT says that it isn’t a session unless you punch a chair. I say it isn’t a session unless someone is bleeding.
He gets out the first aid kit. I get rid of the blood but he puts on the ointment and bandaid. I sometimes hate myself for wanting this care so much. But it is so caring
He gets me to laugh at some point and gives me another squishiest toy and this one is ridiculously pliable. It can flatten out comepletely. I flattened him in my hand and said “I’ll be just fine” we both laughed. Got multiple enveloping hugs at the end. I needed all of this and he really is trying to keep things safe.