Well... unlike you... I have in fact tried to kill myself. A couple of times I almost succeeded. However each time, after I got out of the hospital, I just went back to doing what I did before I made the attempt. It seemed to be what the people in my life wanted. And the fact was (& still is) I've been hiding for so many years... decades really... that it just seemed like the natural thing to do. It still does. So, anyway, I know something about the toll hiding can take on a person. It is exhausting. Hopefully being here on PC is of some comfort & support for you. I wish you well...