I want a relationship. I do. I made the mistake of watching "the office" and seeing Jim and Pam. What I wouldn't give for a Jim. I am a Pam. No, I am better than a Pam. I have a good job with great health benefits and a relatively large home. Even if I am overweight, I am a catch. And frankly, I feel like I would be happy with just a good friend who would do stuff with me.

But, I just did it to myself again... I started on EHarmony determined to find someone. I actually decided not to pay because they blur the photos and I know I have a problem with getting an impression of someone by the photo that can ruin my like of them.

And I don't like any of them. NONE of them. 100 matches in. Beyond that.. the ones they highlighted for me as "compatible" are imho not. I have gone back over my profile and I am starting to think they just send you whomever signs up.

- I don't like sports.
- I don't like Passion for travel or the outdoors.
- I don't like men who devote themselves to their jobs.
- I don't like men who are bland and want to sound like a winner on their profile.

And this is all I seem to get. Now, it could be the questions they are forced to answer... but..

Then all of my friends and relatives are miserable in their marriages.

- One friend just found out her husband has luted the retirement nest egg on foolhardy things - he says collectables that cost a lot. This will also get them in tax trouble as, in lying to his wife, he didn't report it on their taxes. He says he hid it from her because he felt stupid. I just can't believe him. To me it is obvious he is having an affair. But I can't tell my friend that. She is 58 and now has zero savings. I see a divorce at 60 in her future.

- Another friend has only been married a year and her husband just blew up at her for not getting his beauty rest. She was making too much noise. He left the house! I mean that isn't a red flag? She was my hope. She like just woke up one day and found a guy and they were seemingly very happy. I thought, if she can just make up her mind to get married, so can I. But I did think it was too fast and now... cracks are starting.

I could go on and on but I can't ignore the fact that everyone I know how is married dislikes their husband and they are all hobbled in some way due to them, (job they don't like / location for job -- less savings-- needing to care for the kid).

I do want a good friend who would do stuff with me but I just cannot find that. And I just can't seem to make myself believe I can find that for more than about 3 seconds.

I feel like I sabotage myself signing up for these services and never doing anything with them but the truth is.. NO one, on these sites has ever as much as interested me. Their profiles are typically bland and everything on the planet that I dislike.

Why is it so hard to find this. I just want to find someone who isn't going to bring my life backwards.