It's called "malice". You've been hurt severely and you want to hurt back. Seeing some in emotional pain brings you a kind of satisfaction.
These are vengeful feelings. I know these feelings all too well.
I love revenge. I know how that sounds but, I was made to feel helpless many times as a child and a teen and I was raised to be fearful and obedient, to never question authority.
Because of that and because of the abuse I endured I now resent authority.
PM me. Sounds like you have enormous anger. Let's talk about it.