Dear Readers:

It's been a long time since I posted here. About two years ago I was diagnosed with and started therapy for OCD. I've been doing pretty well. I moved and received training as a preschool teacher. I feel very passionately about working with children. I have always enjoyed being around children. Before I moved I was working nearly full time at a school, mostly in the preschool classroom, and I found something in it really spoke to me.

Since I started working at a preschool in September, I have slowly been slipping into a depression again. It was only recently that I realized how serious it had become, when my fiance commented on how I'm always coming home feeling like a failure to the children and feeling like nothing is going right.

I have something that happened at school that I feel very ashamed of. One four year old girl has a history of screaming in class, and pushing and kicking people, sometimes out of nowhere. I've tried many different techniques: sitting in a room with her so she can calm down, telling her we won't leave until she's calm. That typically makes her more worked up and aggressive. I've tried talking her through it, discussing why she's screaming. Sometimes I've tried just ignoring it, or reminding her verbally that it's not okay to push or kick but it didn't seem to have an impact. One time I was alone with her while she was pushing and kicking me and I just tried to gently remind her that we don't do that, but she continued.

The other day she had a stomach-ache, and I suggested she go to use the washroom. She went to the washroom and I told her she needed to wash her hands with soap. She said no and began kicking at me (but not fully making contact). I told her we do not kick and she continued. I took her up and was holding her with her arms across her chest and at her side (like a child seat-belt) telling her she needed to be calm before I could let her go. She began screaming, crying, turning pink, and physically trying to escape. I kept telling her I needed to hold her until she was calm. I became afraid I was really hurting her, so I loosened my grip but I didn't want to let her go until she really was calm. I got flustered and frustrated and began carrying her around her stomach by my side, trying to find a place to sit and regain a comfortable position of holding her. She was screaming and crying the whole time. There were two other children in the room playing with legos while I was giving her my full attention (my co-teacher was heading out for the day). Eventually I told her she needed to sit in a chair until she was calm (this is where I feel my voice was raised too much and was even scary). She began crying that she wanted to wash her hands but I told her not until she was calm. I told her if she wouldn't sit down she needed to hold my hand until she was calm.

The next day she came to school and began crying and clinging to her dad. I arranged a meeting with her parents the next day to discuss other coping strategies, it was very helpful to hear how they handled it at home. I've been trying other strategies with her to help her feel included and cared for/listened to.

Ever since that incident though, she seems more distant and less connected than before. She has often been crying when she comes to school, but after a little while she is okay. The other day she was hiding in the closet hopping around. I wasn't sure how to help her or get her to come out. I told her to keep the door open (so that she was visible) but she closed it at some point. My co-teacher got her to come out. This was after excitedly looking at encyclopedias in the classroom, which I took as a good sign. But then she retreated to the closet to "change her dress" but couldn't find one she wanted. I took the dresses out but she stayed in there. After she came out of the closet, I saw that she was not involved in the classroom. She was taking work mats and hiding under them. I took them away gently and told her she could sit until she was ready to talk, and I let her choose a place to sit. It took her a while, but after checking in on her several times she felt ready to talk. I asked if she would like to talk in the classroom or in the hallway and she said the hallway. So we went there and talked about how sometimes she feels like hitting, and I asked what can we do when she feels that way? We came up with the plan that she can sit in a soft chair when she feels like hitting and come back to the group when she's ready. At the time we were starting circle time so she sat in the soft chair until she was ready to join us. At one point she came to circle and then left again because she said she still felt like hitting.

I'm feeling super down because I do feel some trust has been severed between her and her teachers, and maybe it was already tenuous. She is a girl who doesn't like to wear pants, even on the coldest days. A few times I have tried to get her into snow-pants with lots of crying and screaming from her. Once my co-teacher and I tried to put the snow-pants on her when it was time to go outside while the other person held her. Now I feel we humiliated her and completely disrespected her feelings and dignity. Now I just tell her she needs something covering her legs (she will wear leg-warmers) and ask if she would like her hat, scarf, and gloves and let her decide.

When I worked with children before I was working more as a teachers' assistant. I was calm, clear, and supportive. I felt working with children came naturally and was an easy fit for me. I probably raised my voice or lost my patience sometimes, but I feel it's more frequent now. This year, having my own classroom I feel I have been resorting to un-necessary punishment that has been potentially putting the children down rather than building up their potential. All while I have probably not clearly defined boundaries or expectations.

And with this girl, I feel my actions were potentially abusive. You read all the time about preschool teachers putting their students down, physical aggression that is abusive, and un-neccessary punishment. I'm just thinking, have I become an abusive teacher? Is this just part of the learning curve of the first year, or am I just a bad teacher? Am I even fit to work with children? I look online for teachers' mistakes, and I don't hear of any teachers doing these kinds of things (except the abusive ones).

It has recently dawned on me that I am in the depression spiral. I want to feel better, but I can't seem to forgive myself for my actions. I'm mortified that I might be abusive to children, when I really love children and want to be good to them. I often feel the class is not in my control and I end up losing my patience with the children instead of helping to redirect them towards purposeful activities, making them feel safe, loved, respected, and interested in learning. I have been physically aggressive towards them (never hitting them in any way) but grabbing arms or handling them too roughly. The incident described above was my lowest point. I didn't give her a chance to recover or do what I requested (washing her hands) because my temper got the better of me and I wanted her to sit down. I didn't give her a second chance to make a better choice and act with independence and dignity. I feel as a child care provider/preschool teacher I need to have more self-control, and even if parents would make these same mistakes I should not be making them because I am supposed to be a professional and should know better. I do know better, and yet still I've acted this way and I feel ashamed. It's very hard for me to reconcile.

Anyway, I could go on and on. I am going to a new therapist next week, and right now that day couldn't come soon enough. I can't get out from under this cloud, and I don't even feel I necessarily deserve to. If I have been abusive, that's incredibly hard for me to stomach, especially because I was abused as a child. I'm worried I scarred her for life, and this will always affect her. My fiance thinks I'm just jumping to conclusions. I'm trying not to seek reassurance from him, as that is apparently a bad cycle to do with your family/friends/partners when you have OCD.

Thank you for listening.
Any feedback would be nice, I just really needed to put this out there somewhere.