I tried to talk to my mom about my food problems.
She's coming over tomorrow, and she said she would bring "store-bought Italian subs" for lunch. I panicked, and thank god it's my mom and not someone else, so I could outright say "no."
I told her I'm trying to maintain my weight, and I hate it (I do. I hate it. And I'm currently in a panic that I can't get rid of, because I ate some cake and have no idea how many calories were really in it, and either way, it means I ate at least 1,700 calories today, which is so. flipping. high.... I want to throw up. No, literally, I want to make myself throw up and then I want to never eat again.)
I told her "you'd think I mean that I hate it because I want more food, but no, I feel like I'm eating way too much, and I hate it."
She just said
"Are you tracking?"
I said "always."
She said "that way you'll know for sure."
I said "sometimes."
She just said..."see you tomorrow."

I can't stick with maintenance. I can't. I raised my goal from 1,200 calories a day to 1,500, because that's what I seemed to be eating most days anyways, but AIMING for it (1500) instead of aiming for 1,200 and usually eating 1,500 and feeling like it was a mistake is just... more terrifying. Because tonight I ate 1,700, and I feel out of control... what if, now, I aim for 1,500 and just always eat 1,700 and then gain weight?
I can't do this.
Maybe 1,300...maybe that's a safer number.
I don't want to maintain anyways. I want to lose. And lose and lose and lose and never ****ing stop losing I want to be nothing.
No. I mean. I would like to lose another 5 pounds. That's acceptable, right?