Ok, I'll try your advise and see if that helps. I also have to reorient myself to a new person really because he grew up a lot since the last time I've seen him... I'm sure of that.

I hope you are right about him realizing kind intent. He has in the past been really angry at me and I do wonder to what extent he still is. I feel sad and frustrated if I start to think he is angry at me.

His Dad died at age 8. I had to learn a lot about parenting on the fly. It didn't come naturally to me.

I want to see more or less where he is in life. I do not even know what his interests are at the moment. And he never was into sports. We used to talk about every thing from the big bang, to religion to politics to genetics to ethics
and we have to discover a new type of relationship. If I wait to hear from him then maybe once in a while I will but not often.

Then i think it is better not to disturb him, if that is what it is, but then I wonder if he'll think (again) that it is because i do not care that he doesn't hear from me, so I start to feel helpless, possibly even bitter, because once again I'm presented with a situation where I don't know what to do

I'm excited and proud of where he is now in life and optimistic but still some guilt over my past mistakes and how that contributed to his anger. I still worry about being a 'bad parent'. My son and I could have a heart to heart conversation if we were in person and he was in the mood. We could in the end communicate about really important things.

I played my part in getting him out of Guatemala urgently and relinquishing him to the care of my sister to get his teeth fixed, his driver's license, suits that fit, his resume, and all the connections she and her husband have and job interviews starting already next week. I wasn't in any shape to take care of another person either, so I find out how my son is doing through my sister.

yeah I feel frustrated and a bit despairing of our relationship.