The way you describe your experience with your father reminds me a lot of my dad. He was also attentive when i was a young child but harsh when i was a teen. At the time of my father's death i felt incredibly hostile towards him and was glad he died because i felt he was going to destroy me the way he destroyed my brother.

Over the years, i have let go of the intense blame i felt for my dad regarding my brother. It helped a lot to come across the saying, "Blaming someone, even yourelf, gives the illusion of control." I've realized that it was just an out of control situation with my brother and no one is to blame.

My dad's been dead thirty years now and i try and remember the good times with him, when i was a little girl and he was constantly shlepping us kids camping and to the circus. With five kids, how many times did that man have to sit thru the circus?! When i was young, he had boundless energy, infinite patience and i loved him like he was my hero.

I had a good start in life and that's a lot more than some people get.