Growing up, I learned not to express disatisfaction with my mom. It just wouldn't get me anywhere. Her will was very strong. My younger brother and sister laugh about how they would always be stuck at the table for hours. When my mom left the table, I would hide my vegtables in a napkin and flush them down the toilet saying I had eaten them. Because of their honesty, they stayed at the table until it was time to go to bed knowing what I had done. They sometimes still remind me that they would endure torture while I took shortcuts.

But shortcuts do not help you in the long run. I frequently am afraid to tell my husband what I think. Many times when I do tell him, it leads to disagreements, so, once again, I am taking the easy way out. But it is not really the easy way. Our marriage does not feel free or healthy. There have been many times I have not stood up for my children the way I should have. I am not loving my husband properly when I am not truthful to him. I am totally lacking in character. Sometimes I want to divorce him but do not admit it. My theory is I am afraid to tell him what I think/leave because I really deserve no relationship/love at all because I am not really that loving. If you love someone you stand up for them. Maybe I am incapable of it. So because I am not right--my whole family is dysfunctional, can never be happy. I am a naturally friendly person on a shallow level but am incapable of being consistently intimate in a truly deep way.

I have been trying to be more honest with my H, will have a brief breakthrough but then am always easily falling back into my old ways. It is SO hard to change. I will keep trying but do not know if I will every really become a whole, mature person. I am not quite right.