I often feel the same way.
I can tell you I would be very sad if you ever hurt yourself. If you were gone, I'd really miss you! You are a very compassionate, loving person. You make a difference for me and for lots of others, too.
I am sorry you cannot access DBT. What is that about? Kind of crazy-making, isn't it?
Please keep reaching out. You are so very important to so many of us!

WC