I am coming up on three years since my husband died suddenly of a drug overdose (may 28). I thought I forgave him last year but as it turns out, nope. I am full of rage. I hate him so much for doing this to me and my son. In the beginning I cried and I missed him but I have shut all that off. I do not cry and I feel no love for him, only hatred. He spent the last two years of his life mired in addiction. He routinely lied to me about using. I didn’t know he was using again when he died so I was completely shocked when the coroner called and said he found opiates AND cocaine in his system. ****ing cocaine??? I caught him a week or two prior and he admitted to using cocaine but once again lied and said he “didn’t even like it” and wouldn’t do it again. Yeah we see where that went.

I never want to see pictures of him, I want to completely erase him from my life and pretend like I was never married. I can’t do that because I don’t want my son to hate his own father. My son was only four when he died. He’s been asking more about his dad now that he’s older. He likes writing him notes and looking at pictures of his dad. My blood boils when I do this with him. I swallow it down so my son doesn’t know but still, the hatred and rage is real.

I also feel like I am completely messed up forever. I used to be very caring and empathetic; now I could care less about anyone except my son. My sister in law wants me to date “when I am ready” but that’s her assuming I want someone else in my life. Part of me does and part of me thinks what’s the point, I can’t trust anyone anyway. I trusted my husband and he spent two years (that I even know of, could have been longer) lying to me. And worst part is he claimed when he was clean that he hated doing it, and yet he ****ing did it again right before he died. So how could I trust another man? And how could I expect the universe not to rip another person away from me? I’m positive my son is going to die, I just don’t know when. It would be fitting.

I just feel so damaged. I feel like there’s no way to get past this. And that I’m a horrible person for not having any compassion for people anymore. I’m just a shell of a person.

Thanks for letting me rant. I do have a therapist but we never seem to talk about these issues. I know I should.