Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to heal from this trauma. I thought I was doing pretty well but it turns out pretending you don’t have any feelings just turns you into a robot. Now I feel even worse because I can’t even muster compassion for people in my life anymore. I pretend, but in my mind I’m thinking horrible things. It’s part of the reason I can’t be a teacher anymore. Teachers are supposed to care about kids and I just don’t.

My go-to defense mechanism has always been deny, deny, deny. Don’t feel the negative feelings you don’t want to feel. Is it a wonder that the mania is held at bay by medication but the depression keeps returning time after time??? Depression for me is feeling dead inside. That’s what I feel on the daily.

I’m so damaged. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to live life again. I want to date and genuinely care for someone else. I don’t want to be this unfeeling monster.

**** you, mike, and what you ****ing took from me. Hope the high was worth it.