Hey everyone, thanks very much for the replies.

I obviously had a rough night. Actually, this childhood stuff has been grasping my mind lately. All I could see last night was him, grabbing me so violently out of my bed. But I am trying to take my t's advice. Instead of trying to shove these memories away, I am allowing to feel them. I felt my sadness, anger, confusion, and asked so many questions that there really is no answer to. But I allowed myself to feel, to rid my mind of just one simple memory. So many more fill my mind and I am afraid.

I called my t last night and left a message. He just called me back. I did not have an appointment until Friday but he is going to see me tomorrow. What do I do anymore. I can't do this at home anymore. I admit that I need more intense therapy, and God I need it now. I am so close to the edge, its not funny. Tears are always welled up, all I want to do is cry. But what do I do with my kids? I have thought about every option to child care but I don't have enough outlets to find someone who could care for them while I am gone. But geez, I am so sick. I feel so guilty for being this ill but I am going to die if I keep going this way. How long can I do this for?

I am going to call my old t today. Maybe she has some ideas. Maybe even partial hospitalization. I am desperate, I feel like I get some serious help now or I wither away. I hate this hurt..feels like this grip is getting so strong and powerful that I am not sure if I can struggle out of it anymore. It is getting to tight and I am choking. I wish for someone to hold me, right now, just hold me and never let me go.........

Justy