It's really a battle, isn't it? I have very poor boundaries and no sense of 'normal' due to two parents who were very controlling and chaotic at the same time. I don't want to comment on your marriage because there are so many ins and outs to these relationships. My friendships and relationships repeat a lot of the patterns I grew up with and my progress is all in baby steps.

Re: boundaries, I have found some good books: When I say no, I feel guilty and Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend). Boundaries is Christian, but you don't have to be to get a lot out of the book (I'm not). Crucial Conversations is another one I like. It's more business oriented but sort of models courage in conversations. You are moving forward even if it is slow and you can't always see your progress!