I would encourage you to seek a pysch doctor and a therapist to help you work out your feelings.

I am glad that you are feeling hopeful and that things are okay for you last night.
Getting a proper diagnosis instead of guessing can really help you to better understand yourself.
That is if you want to know of course.
It was a relief for me to finally get a diagnosis, to explain some of my behaviors over the years.
good luck to you in your endeavors and welcome to PC.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi