We've been working together for a year and a half, twice a week, and today you forgot my mother's name.

You exude caring, but is it real? Do you prepare for session or today were you not on your game? Do you think about me after session, or not again until ten minutes before the next one?

These are questions to wonder about but not ask out loud, questions about sincerity and depth.

Do you work as hard as I psychologist as I did as a teacher and some people on the forum do with their clients? I do not think so.

What are sessions for- we talk about disturbing things for fifty minutes, but does anything change except me feeling sad my choice of confidante is behind a somewhat neutral screen? Should I have been talking about this all along with BF or if I had trusted H with all of it, maybe he wouldn't be ex H. You say I wasn't ready. You say now I am ready, and you like working with me bc the case is extreme and challenging, and you are learning. This makes me feel it is impersonal.

I am confused, and feel sad after session today, because in forgetting a main character's name, you show how much other stuff filled up your brain. You 50 minutes is very expensive for me to pay 2x a week, and I find it ironic your building is located on Commerce Street. I dont think you do this for the money, or that you are in any way overpaid. It is just a big sacrifice to come and see you, so I would like to think you do care. Many moments, a spell is cast and it feels like caring, but sometimes a detail is dissonant and shows the limitations and the self deceptions.

Sometimes there used to be an intimate feel to sessions, like you cared too much and you were caught up in me and my story and you would say yikes we took down the 4th wall. You are very professional though, and you stopped that once you became cognizant of yourself and your own feelings. You put up a photo of your wife and your kids suddenly.

Now though, I feel like Cinderella when the clock strikes fifty minutes, and I feel sad today even though nothing major happened bad. I am confused by what psychotherapy truly is and if it should hurt so much/ so often.