Idk really what it is. I think it's a fear over the future

All my life I've felt as if I was slightly different and thus separated from groups, I've always been in social groups but on the edge of the circle, the first to leave and forever the most 'boring'. I struggle to keep conversations going as I see the conversation lead into topics which would expose my deeper feelings; this I don't want.

I've often rejected the idea that I had some sort of depression, brushed it aside as just mere sad spells of emotion, but recently it's become to constant to ignore. But I still don't know if it or not and afraid to go to a therapist and get given horrible anti depressents (which in my opinion don't work. They suppress the problem not solve it)

Now I'm at a cross roads; people my age, 22, are getting on in life they have stability and they know what they're doing and where they're headed, somewhat. Yet I, regarded as the intellectual of my latest group, don't have any sort of idea. See I ****ed my life up a few years ago when I decided not to go into the navy and instead do drugs! I've weend off 90% of them and have a good regime for drug taking now.

But I don't know what to do! The job I have sadens and frustrates me, although it's well paying. I don't have any motives for work; I want to go into the woods all day and play I want to explore and adventure without the need for money to actually go somewhere. I feel like no job could give me any sort of satisfaction and in fact the only thing that would is the release from a reality bound by one perspective of time.

I don't think death is the end; I think it's the adulthood of the pyche and once we no longer have bodies to attach to we can explore all sorts of dimensions and universes. That's what I want to do. Completely and totally that is all I want too do. I want to die.