Hi Buffy,
I am not familiar with your story. Please forgive me if I ask some ignorant questions.

Do you see a therapist for support?
Do you see a pdoc for meds?

If so, do they know you are so low right now?

Do you have any support around you? Family/Friends?

If your depression feels overwhelming, please call your therapist/pdoc, go to the ER or contact a hotline. Please see the resources here or --

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call: 1-800-273-8255
Online: nationalsuicidepreventionlifeline.org
Both available 24/7.

I am sorry you are feeling so down right now. You are not alone. Please keep posting here. I hope you find posting helpful.

Take good care of yourself.

WC