Hello,
I am new here ans seek help or people who can somehow relate...

I have to mention intimacy at some point. I hope that is ok. I avoid unnecessary details.

Half a year ago I (29) fell in love with a wonderful man (26). I have been in love many times and, prior to this, have been in three committed relationships. But this was the first time in my life that I felt a 100%: This is it! Love is not a fairytale it is real! I still feel that way about my partner. But our relationship is unhealthy and toxic for both of us.

Our main problems are trust issues, insecurities, my sexual past and my lack of communication about it.

I did many mistakes and blame myself for the state we got in. At this point we are both in therapy and take plant based antidepressants.

I was so insecure and still am... not quite believing that such a pure, intelligent, talented person could ever fall for me. This ruined everything. My boyfriend is not christian, but has always been seeking the one. So prior to me, he has been intimate with two women. Now that I met him I desperately wish I could change my past... I treated something special as if it was cheap... Often going with any pace not knowing my own boundaries or limits, seeking comfort and appreciation in sex... Bending myself to the point where I would have a threesome because the man with whom I was seeking a relationship kept talking about polyamourie (a concept that I was interested in only in theory but never wished to put it in practise for myself)...

He found out about my past bit by bit. When I did not answer his questions his fantasy went crazy... But now every little detail I told him is hunting him and us ...
Which is probably why I intuitively did choose to not confide... I was sure about my feelings why scare him away with old stories that don't matter? We fell in love when we were just friends and I thought I had told him enough to have a vague idea about my past... I was so wrong.
When he found out that I had been intimate with ten men, he was deeply disgusted, he still calls me a slut, and requested me to get tested on STD... We had the worst Christmas ever waiting for the last result. We were lucky. And I am still grateful that all results proved negative.

Now... I judge myself and I know trust is hard to regain. But at this point I feel so lost... As if I was guilty of everything. Afraid any step I take, any word I say could be wrong. I feel misunderstood and often blamed for no reason...

He has a list about all my partners. A list for anything bad I ever told him when we were fighting... One day he offers me his key, two hours later wants it back.
He says I ruined his life...
His therapist says people like me never change - unless they have an epiphany of god. And that he will never be able to cope with my past, unless he changes his values. That she only can offer him further therapy to help him realize that leaving me is the only way.

I am sorry this story is so long and I could go on and on. But in the essentials it is always the same. I am terrified to disappoint him and hence feel almost as if bound to do it again. Often not understanding what I was thinking...
We both feel neglected and misunderstood.
I had a burnout two years ago and was struggling to write my thesis all along. I told him that for this reason and due to my mother suffering from cancer I feel week... Now that I finally finished my thesis he is blaming me for keeping him waiting all along, always pushing the dateline further... I feel that I could have finished earlier if I had not been suffering so much in this relationship... Always on the verge of being thrown out of his life. But I would not tell him. I guess he would hear this as an insult and a cheap attempt to put the blame on him.
I feel bad because I come home at least once a week crying... And my parents already have enough to take. But I still want to believe that we can fix this...
This is a wonderful person. When he describes the kind of strong and intimate relationship he wants to have I feel like: Me too! We were both already thinking about marriage and children despite all our struggles and all my faults.

Lately it just getting worse and worse. As if all ny nightmares about my insecurities are coming true. We talk less and less and only if I make the effort... Often its superficial... Because I fear to talk about his emotional state... for which he is blaming me alone. I just don't know how to comfort him, when he is thinking about my past... He said he has told me and won't repeat... But I don't know. I think he just wants to feel loved and not ignored ... But I don't know how. He doesn't want compliments. He wants to feel needed. But I mess it up all the time... Meaning good but making it all worse...

He is refusing to enter my rented room, because one of the man I slept with has been there. But I know he seeks daily meetings. So I have been living at his 1room apartment for two months... And I feel trapped. I put myself under pressure to find a job... to effort to move so that he can cme to my place again...
I feel so trapped and lost.
He won't believe that I have changed that I only want him. I had always struggles to orgasm. He was the first to make me come by oral stimulation. I know that he is comparing himself to ten other men. But that just makes put pressure on myself... It's a circle of pressure and insecurities...

At times I feel he is overreacting. I am sensible myself... But I try to find the compromise. He won't.
Still he is going through a lot.
Is there anyone who has had simular experiences?