Hi Deilla,

I can hear how much you're hurting and how exhausting it must to be to cry yourself to sleep without someone to comfort you. Feeling such intense pain can take a lot out of us and make it hard to keep going forward. I admire how you've tried to cope with your pain and reaching out for help on here. Sometimes we can feel frozen in our struggles and it's a positive step that you're trying things (not that it takes away from what you're going through. You're experience is valid, no matter what.)

It sounds like you've been fighting these demons for a long time and I imagine it may feel like they're suffocating you and will never stop. I can relate to feeling like that. Something that has helped me is try to validate my experience and seek resources that validate me such as...online forums, books, or mental health videos/blogs etc. Feeling heard is generally the need I try to meet first when I'm feeling low. I will then reach out to people online as an interim support and try to remind myself that I may not have people who I feel care right now, but that doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

I hope I helped some. It's clear that you have a strength in you in that you're still here and fighting those thoughts. I know there aren't quick fixes, but I hope you continue to keep going and reaching out and using tools you've learned.

My thoughts are with you