the past few days every time i turn around it seems there is another reminder to the burried past. i feel it clawing to get out, and yet, i doubt i will say enough words to do it justice.

but clearly i will not get any rest until i do...
the triggers are the age 11 and the name. for the age, i read a post with that age. i saw the movie Golden Compass and Lyra is about that age, and developmentally "showing" as was i at that age. Pretty woman was on tonight and the scene where the business associate tries to harm her was triggering.

ok... so after a lifetime of molestation and things i don't remember consciouslly, we moved for the umteenth time and i was 11. I can't remember if the first attack there in that place was from my sperm doner, or the neighbor. but it is the neighbor one that is clawing it's way out.

his name started with "la***" and i saw that name again (i think - it was la-something) at my new temp job and triggered. i think now it has been pushed back down into the abyss of my mind... so now i don't know what to say. i guess i could say that us three girls were drugged and ***** one at a time while the others were forced to watch. we had to stand up and watch - one in each part of the room and the girl on the floor... one girl was his own daughter - she was first. then my best friend. then me. i forgot all about that man, his name, what he looked like. even my mom knew him. but i didn't. when i remembered and all the pictures returned and i told my best friend she affirmed all of it - even though according to my mom i "never stepped foot in that man's house".
when i remembered i had a lot of guilt for not getting help. my best friend was being hurt and i did nothing and i was right by the locked door.
i also felt guilt that his daughter and i didn't matter to me because we were used to it. only my best friend mattered.
ok - i posted.