Up front, I want to apologize for such a long post...I am sure that most will not even get through the 1st paragraph, but am going through so much right now....just didn't know how to shorten it up without leaving out information that helps with understanding.

Before I got married 32 years ago, there was something inside of me that said....."don't get married to him". It was just immature things that were telling me that, like the guys he was hanging around.....but more than that. He was always bragging about how smart he was & how good he was in high school...top % of his class. In the college classes I had with him, he put no effort into school & thought he was so much smarter than the professors & he only did well in the classes he liked. He would always have smart@$$ answers for questions & always knew the answer...right or wrong.

His sense of humor was sarcastic & would always put down people, thinking he was so cute & funny (just like Don Rickles). When his mother would cook dinner...if he didn't like what she cooked, he would walk out on them thinking he had the right to be rude. The credit card thing & spending.....he definitely has a problem. He only feels good when he is spending money (which is why he is so depressed now because he doesn't have any money). His parents gave him money to pay off his credit card for a wedding present. As soon as it was paid off, he started filling it back up. His logic. The item was on sale, so I saved so much money buying is even if I didn't have the money for it. Put it on the credit card & pay 5 times the amount for the item with the interest charges, but he saved so much money. Do you think he would listen to that logic....NO WAY....he knew better even when the numbers hit him in the face.

These negative things were high on my mind about not getting married, but my Mother said it was just cold feet & that he was such a nice person.....one of the best guys I had dated (& I dated many many guys while in college). He was only 23 & he would grow up.....he would mature once he had the responsibility of a marriage.....blah blah blah. So stupidly, I went ahead with it & we got married.

The sad thing was that I laid out all my expectations for the marriage before hand. Gave him a chance to discuss it & nothing....everything was ok with that......come to find out, he thought I didn't mean a word I said & that I would "come around" in time. I expected cooperation & partnership....none of which I got most of the time. The only time I got it was when I reacted to his lack of action like throwing a pitcher of ice water on him when he refused to get up to help me with the laundry. Had to go to my parents because he didn't like the washer & dryer in the apartment & my parents didn't have a dryer, so I had to hang the cloths out to dry...so needed to do it early in the day.

Well, 32 years later & I'm still dealing with the same crap. What happened, I had my career until 1994, & that was where I escaped to. He basically didn't exist in my life during that time. Sadly to say, I was bought off. What we could have with a 2 aerospace engineer income was much more than getting by on my own salery. The nice cars, the house, the vacation time share & the skiing vacations. And of course....under his control, the maxed out credit cards because no problem.....we could make the monthly payments, so it was just a cost of living like electric & gas.

It was when I lost my career in 1994 that I came to the realization that my life was a complete disaster. I couldn't stand being around him. He was still rude, a slob & didn't really care about anything.....the marriage wasn't a marriage & I didn't have my career to escape to. How could I let someone who was so nice, mess me up so badly? I couldn't find a way out of the marriage. I didn't have any money & no career, the house wasn't worth what we paid for it, so even if we got divorced & sold it, there was no money. I was trapped.....when that realization hit, that was when the suicide attempts started. Luckily for me, I wasn't successful because I realized I did have a life & that I didn't have to be the person I turned out to be in this marriage....a very unhappy, miserable person with values that weren't really my own forced on me.

I went back to trying to tolerate everything around me so I could just survive from day to day. The sad thing was that he is a nice guy....there when you need him if he doesn't have to do much. Then he lost his career....& oh, it was different for him. He wasn't anything except for his career. He had no other interests & couldn't do anything except for his career, & I had so many other interests....that made it all different in his mind....but he wasn't depressed...because he wasn't "as bad as I was".

Right before my Mother was dying of cancer, I knew the marriage had to end. The fights got so bad....his arguing was horrible & he was too good for everything as far as getting a job to bring in money......he insisted that he wasn't disabled (he was so burned out it wasn't funny). Sadly, I ended up in the middle of the ID theft & abuse of my mother by the home care person & that really messed me up physically, landing me in the hospital because the stress was so bad I couldn't eat & the trauma from that is still bothering me at times....so again, I felt trapped....until I sold my Mothers house & got the inheritance to buy my own house here in KY.

Finding myself again was awsome & realizing all the stupid little things that were bothering me......then again, I look at why it's the stupid little things that are bothering me & should I be bothered by such things? Why does his arguing over stupid little things cause me such rage. Why does his having such narrow definitions of things to cause other arguments cause me to be so angry at him? Why do even bother to listen to his stupid ideas when I know they are most always wrong, then get mad when I stupidly listen & act on his ideas, only to find out how wrong he was again & again? Why do I feel that my only way to protect myself from him is to make sure he isn't in my life?

Why am I so embarassed when I am in the mall & ask him where the store is after he was looking at the directory & he spinns around, stickes his hand in the air & points out the direction of the store? Why does he look like such a little kid whos Mommy asked him where something is & instead of communicating like a normal person....one gets a pointing hand & the click of the heals?

I just want to be married to a responsible adult that can carry on a normal conversation & be a normal part of my life. Is that asking too much? Is it asking too much for me to expect him to grow up now & be the part of my life I had always hoped for?

Or am I just being way to critical of this person & expecting something that I shouldn't bother caring about in the first place. Like I said, it's not like he drinks, or does anything that is bad....he is a very good person, but all this other crap seems to hide the good from me....so again, where do I leave the criticism behind & just tolerate the good person I am married to?......or am I right in expecting so much more from a marriage that I'm better off alone & happy rather than married & miserable???? or should I work on myself in not allowing these things to make me miserable & then he doesn't have to do anything to change? Why is it always me that has to give in? Why is it always me that looses out?

Even in the situations with the police & things being stolen from me......they never find anyone guilty that does wrong to me. I am always the one that has to tolerate what happens to me & just deal with everything. I am so tired of being on that end of the situations.....I really would love just once that someone would have to answer for what they do to me instead of it always being me that has to cope with the situation.

I would appreciate anyones insight, opinions, & experiences.....I am trying to open my mind to other ways of thinking right now since part of me is saying I am being way to critical while the other part is saying I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

Internal conflicts are the worst & I'm feeling pretty lousy about it all right now which is making is hard to function at this moment in time & I just don't have time to allow myself to feel this way.

Debbie