I am at the end of my rope, and I don't know what to do....

My Seroquel Dosage was doubled last week, but honestly what I am going through in my head and in my heart, medication can't help me with, I mean even if I wasn't bipolar, I would be in the same amount of pain.

My mom has been back and forth in the hospital for months. She developed H-Pylori due to the fact that she failed to look after herself and eat properly, which I have to admit i am raging mad at her now for doing that to herself, and just putting my family through hell. Call me selfish but at this point I don't even &^&%&ing care.

She was getting better, the doctores were helping. She had a colonoscopy done, she was taking her meds and things seemed fine for a while.

Until a few days ago.....

She turned for the worse. Weaker and weaker she got every day, unable to find out what was wrong despite another trip to the doctor this past Sunday. My mom was the strongest and healthiest woman I knew at one time. An avid runner, and in excellent shape, basically in training for her next accomplishment to participate in the NYC marathon....

Now she has been broken into a state, where just a moment ago she told me that she was ready to die, that she is going to die, and I should be prepared.

I can't. i just fcking can't. Like I don't have it in me to hear that and I can't take it, and tears are just falling from my face as I type this. I am in no condition to handle this, at all, in any shape or form.

And God All Mighty help me because I have been calling BOTH numbers at her doctor's office and they have been BOTH ringing out for the past fifteen minutes. WTF?? WHY THE HELL IS NO ONE PICKING UP THE GOD DAMN PHONE AT 12:35PM ON A GOD DAMN WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON???? Can somebody please tell me????

I can't I just can't. I am hiding in my room, gripping my phone, calling and calling these numbers, praying that someone will help me. I can't go back out there, cause my mom is just walking around the house saying she is going to die.

The option to take her to the Emergency Room is absolutely useless, because we had gone back and forth for what felt like dozens of times, each time them releasing her, "because they found nothing wrong" I literally cannot sit there for hours again for me to hear that shyt again. And compounded on top of that, all those useless Emergency Room visits, ends up costing so much money, like, I don't know....UGH, I can't do this.

I don't even know if I want any advice, I don't even know what I am asking for, all I know is right now at this moment, all I want is some patience to get through this, so I don't end up doing something really stupid, (like going out there and yelling at my mom), and God Help Me This Bipolar Bullcrap has my head spinning and spinning and my heart beating out of control.

Please, not now, not when things were going so well, and I finally thought I was getting better, and things were looking up, that this had to happen.