Hey there. I think... I hear what you are saying. I've lived many years in intense pain. And I didn't really know what was wrong. Then I lived many years with a self-identity that was partly constituted by my seeing myself as 'mentally ill' and 'personality disordered' and 'emotionally unstable' and 'vulnerable' and 'fragile' and the like.

I'm not terribly sure how much conceiving of myself in this way has been helpful or harmful to me. I think it is something that I identify with less and less... The main reason why I identify with it still... Is... To gain acceptance on mental health forums, like this one. It doesn't matter to some people, of course. But other people say that one can't understand unless one has been there / is there and in order to feel accepted by them I try and tell them (in a way they understand) that I do have a legitimate opinion / perspective... But I'm not sure how much it helps me at the end of the day, and that is the honest truth.

I vaccilate with how much I identify myself as being a 'victim of abuse' and the like...

I think it IS important to live in the present and look to the future and not get lost in the past.
But then I also think it IS important to not try and run from the past (or, my experience is, it will bite me on the ***).

Finding the balance... Can be tricky.

> I am not sure what the purpose of the therapy was tho.

Yeah. There are lots of different takes on what therapy is about. Some clinicians have fixed views (will only agree to see a client if the client endorses their opinion on that), others are a little more flexible. There are a lot of different takes on this.

> I know we can consciously decide to move forward and learn from our mistakes.

Yeah, to a certain extent, we can. But then sometimes we need to learn HOW to move forward. No force of will will do it. And sometimes we need to GRIEVE and PROCESS aspects of the past - precisely in order to move on. The balance between embracing the present / future and attempting to run from the past can be tricky. the balance between getting lost in the past and processing the past can be tricky.

> I mean if he is just there to listen with no feedback or suggestions, one might as well talk to a tree and put the money in a "talking to tree fund".

Well... My therapist very rarely offers his opinion. He very rarely offers concrete advice or suggestions, either. So... What does he do? He listens to me. I tell him hard stuff. Stuff that I struggle with alone. It helps me that he has heard me. I don't feel so alone anymore. That makes things seem more manageable.

Sometimes he asks questions like 'can you tell me a little more about this aspect' or 'does that remind you of something you told me last week?' I guess it is a little gentle guidance to assist or invite me to see certain patterns in my life. To understand my motivations etc a little more.

He says supportive things. When I tell him things that repulse myself so much I feel physically sick he is empathetic. I've never experienced such empathy before. It... Gives me hope for humanity. The support gives me strength such that I can be strong and supportive and empathetic for my bf when he needs me to be.

I think it is helpful to me. I think I'm moving forwards.

I'd like... To use boards to move forward... To help others...
But sometimes I'm ambivalent... Need to figure what is right for me, I guess.
And need to not care so much about what other people think of me...

Take the connections when and where you can.

IMHO thats what its about, really.

Connections.