... because I don't know, I have the need to spill every once and a while about the tragedies in my life. I carry them around with me and push the sadness aside so I can deal with everyday life. But they are heavy and I know they will never go away, so maybe I need to tell the same stories over and over again. Probably it is boring for anyone but me, still need to get it out sorry
My parents split up when I was three and whenever I was sad they would ignore me. That is a memory that is sad in itself. We had a house and a garden and they tried their best, but my mother left my dad and I don't really know why, even though I asked. Afterward I often felt pretty lost and like something was missing.
My dad became increasingly distant and didn't always treat me very well until finally I broke off all contact with him in 2015 when I was in therapy. I had spent years trying to fix our relationship. There isn't any real solution that makes me feel any better. I remember the good moments with him and I always missed him a great deal.
Another thing that makes me sad is a recent romantic experience. Since I read something about it, I have a suspicion that my ex boyfriend has borderline disorder. The symptoms fit his behaviour almost 100 % and it would explain so much of the confusion. It still makes me sad that it wasn't a happy relationship and we broke up. We truly loved each other and I never understood what exactly was happening that made things so hard. I miss him.
Stuff is hard right now and I don't want to tell anyone irl because I can't deal with my friends' reactions when they pity me or are shocked or say they can't really deal with my problems or are distracted and just tell me what to do. I have tried but opening up usually makes it worse. I spent most of my life hiding my true feelings to get through school and stuff and because telling people often feels awkward and I am afraid it creates distance between me and them. I don't want to be stigmatized or pitied, I just need to tell someone sometimes. And right now I can't find someone who wants to listen.
I realize I am justifying why I am writing this post or need to talk to someone all the time, ugh. Just ignore that. Thanks