Hey,

I really need some advice. Its a long post but I would really appreciate it if you could read it and help me out/share your story if its similar. I do not know whom to speak to.

I've never been to therapy or talked to anyone about my issues. ( I want to but can't get myself to do it ), so I draw conclusions on my own (about my issues) based on blog posts and books.

Anyways, so here's the thing. I am 21 year old girl, and have never been in a relationship. That bothers me a bit.

I've never been hugged by a guy, never been kissed. I do not have even a single guy friend in my life. And my dad (who's caused me a lot of emotional pain by not being a dad to me) is also emotionally and physically absent from my life, he just likes being anywhere but home. I do not have a single male presence in my life. Not one.

When I was younger, I used to think that I've been single all this while because I was ugly. ( Thats the only conclusion my brain could come up with at the time, as I was unaware of my issues. ) and I was very insecure of how I looked. But when I came to college, I got a couple of compliments, and I also came to know through a few people that a lot of guys like me/find me pretty/attractive etc. And then I started questioning if Im really as ugly as I think I am? ( Now that Im over it, which took a lot of time btw, I noticed that Im not that ugly after all ).

Then I thought it was because I was really under confident. I just wasn't able to speak to any guy. I couldn't think in their presence, I felt immobilized. This is something abnormal. And this was the case with every single guy ( be that a friend or a teacher or a classmate.. it didn't matter if I was romantically interested in them or not). And that's how I've always been, so it never bothered me before. But it started bothering me in college. I was pushing men away...always had. I really started questioning myself.

So I did a bit of research and I found a label for my condition- 'Social Anxiety'. It wasn't just boys who scared the crap out of me, it had always been new situations, new people - just about anything that's unfamiliar or makes me uncomfortable (mostly social situations).

A few months went by and I didn't really do anything about it. But then when it started bothering me again, I started doing a bit more of research. And I found 2 other labels that seemed more fitting than the previous one. Those were 'Childhood Emotional Neglet' and 'Avoidant Personality'. I am suspecting that my conclusions are quite acurate. When I read about the symptoms and an entire book on CEN, everything made sense. And when I came across Avoidant personality disorder, most of the symptoms matched and made perfect sense.. although I suspect I might have it to only some degree and it's not so extreme in my case (but still a bit extreme).

So, these issues of mine cause a problem in all areas of my life, including relationships and romantic relationships. And so as a result, I've avoided men for my entire life- to protect myself from getting rejected ( to protect myself from going through the pain of rejection that my dad had put me through in my childhood by being absent from my life- I do not blame him anymore, although I still do avoid him).

So what do I do now?

Im sick of being single. I want to just get over these issues that keep holding me back all the time. I want to break free of them ( and in the right way, by not avoiding them but be dealing with them).

I do not want to feel immobilized in a guy's presence and I do not want to be afraid of rejection. Im just always so scared of humiliation and judgement and that they'll end up thinking im dumb.

I know myself better now, and after my realization of these issues, I think I've matured up a bit, and also have more confidence and social confidence. Im doing well. But it's just this one area in my life- love,relationships, thats bugs me. I feel like Ive progressed in all other areas but this one. Because I still feel chocked up in the presence of men, especially good looking men, I feel intimidated by them and I never show any emotion on my face.I still cant have a conversation with them. When I speak, in their presence, I hear myself and I just sound so flat. I am always guarded. I do not want to be this way. And I just cant understand why its so darn hard to me 'me' in front of them.

So, if you have gone through something similar, or could help me, please let me know. Thanks loads for reading!