Well... I don't know as there are any particular words of wisdom I can offer. But one thing I can tell you is that I also struggle with a lot of anger as well as self-hatred. I've also self-harmed. Plus... I've made 2 major attempts to end my life, both of which resulted in me being hospitalized.

You mentioned you think of killing yourself often, but they're just thoughts. If you ever did kill yourself, it would be in one of your fits of rage or hurt. This is exactly how my two major suicide attempts occurred. There was no warning, no pre-planning... I just got up on each morning they occurred, decided I had had enough, & I was going to do something about it! The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.

So I guess what I want to suggest to you is that it's really not a good idea to dismiss those suicidal thoughts you have rattling around in your head. You didn't mention if you're receiving any kind of mental health services. But, if not, I would like to encourage you to reach out in real life for help with what is going on with you. My own experience, at least, tells me it's simply not wise to ignore those kinds of thoughts. I wish you well...