As I am preparing to go to the lab in my city to get my blood work done for my psychiatrist I am realizing just how deeply my mother has damaged me.

Back when I was "dating" my ex husband, he did not have health insurance. He was not a suitable candidate for marriage for this reason but nobody cared about me so nobody stopped me from marrying him.

Fast forward today and I finally have an employer that provides health insurance and the deductible is really high. I chose this health plan because my daughter's pediatrician was in their network however my psychiatrist is not so I am having to pay out of pocket to see him.

I still have medicare due to my disability, but my psychiatrist stopped accepting medicare years ago which is why I stopped seeing him and started going to agencies and clinics. I'm really having to sit squarely with the damage my mother's shame has done to me. The whole time I was off work from my ptsd my mother shamed me, disavowing the existence of my ptsd. Now that I've gone back to work its my bipolar that is staring me square in the face. I'm not telling my mother about my bipolar, not telling her I'm going off my medication so I can live drug free, not telling her that now I am paying out of pocket to reach my deductible because of the damage her shame did to me.

I still feel a very high level of anger towards her but as she is close to 70 years it is pointless. I will never be acknowledged by her in the way that I need to be.

If I could just call it for it what it is: delusion, I could feel so much better. My mother is still under the delusion that I was on welfare the whole time I was disabled. I can't stop making her be delusional, just like I can't stop anyone else from being delusional about me.