Quote:
Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U
Wow. Pious much (him)? What kind of a person tells their GF that because of her he's lost all trust in humanity? Either he's a drama king or he is very, very mean. And if he had sex with the two women before you, did he get tested for STD's?
As long as he continues to see that T you will never be able to rebuilt trust since the T is who told him that you would never change.
Your last sentence was on the mark.
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He does not blindly believe his T. But yeah, having her say that we usally unconciously surround ourselves with likeminded people means a lot to him. Because all of his friends have the same take on having as few partner's as possible. It scares him that I have quiet a few friends with a simular past to mine.
I know that I often miss to adress this. And that he is the only one who ever mentions problems. I shy away from conflicts and always have. I think that his list of things I said in arguments is stupid and not healthy. But it is his desperate way of adapting to my unspoken needs...
No. He did not get tested. Because he thinks that I was irresponsible when e.g. not using a condom for oral sex in my past... and because of the number of my partner. I was risking a lot, not only my own health. He acted more responsible in his past.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
From what I understand, you never betrayed his trust in you. There is no broken trust to rebuild!
My advice is to leave any guy who calls you a slut.
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I was selfish and sneaky when I got tested on chlamydia and did not even mention it. And I was careless about STDs in my past...
The way he found out about my past... how I was talking about it... stammering... often giving answers that would make him feel as if he had to double check. (Ok, she said x, now does that include y?)
I did lie to him. He asked me weither there was anything left I would be afraid or hesitant to tell him. Next day I confessed one more thing.
The day he gave me the key for his flat I lied to him and he asked it back and wanted to leave me. It was an unasssary lie. He asked me what a doctor had said about one of the STD I got tested on. I wish I had said: "Don't get this wrong. I feel hesitant to tell you, because I don't want you to think that I am using that doctor's opinion as an excuse. And I don't want to hurt you. But she was playing down how important it was to get tested on that particula STD." Instead I said: "Sorry, I can't recall at the moment".
And he feels as if he can't rely on me. I would put some of this down to miscommunication. But anyway. I see that I did mistakes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin
My impression is that he is pushing limits and will treat you as badly as you are willing to tolerate.
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This is an interesting perspective. But somehow I don't think he is doing all of this on purpose. And what I woud add fits to starryskys reply.
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Originally Posted by starrysky
Blubbrabbel, You said in your original post that you were insecure and still are. And that you are terrified of disappointing your boyfriend (it sounds like, put him on a pedestal). Anyway, my opinion is that your guy is very insecure himself and NOT treating you well, and I like and agree with a lot of the things that people here are saying. I'm just wondering, do you want to leave him? It sounds like even if you do, you might struggle emotionally, due to where you are emotionally now (feeling badly about yourself, and like he is the best boyfriend you've ever had). I would love to see you find a way to feel better about yourself without him. He is bringing you down.
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Yes! I would say that probably both of us struggle with insecureties. It's a circle and were both unwillingly and unconciously feeding out insecurities. I just don't know how to break out oft this. Each of us feels misunderstood and mistreated.
I am struggling emotionally. Always waiting fot the next result of my mother's CT. Feeling bad about my lack of financal dependency, job experience and hence perspectives. And that is something I feel he is missing to adress ...
I don't talk a lot about my mother's condition (and our relationship in iteself is not easy at times...). My lack of talking about it to him would make him suggest that I am talking to other people whom I need more than him. But I don't. I would not know what to say about it. But it has been a constant pressure and will be... And I feel as if he is making it sound if I was using this as a cheap excuse for mistakes I do.
I studied humanities and don't know myself what to do next. I don't feel that he believes in my career oporunities. Can I blame him? No. But it puts me down, yes. I had a burnout because I was trying to compensate something in my thesis...
These are two examples of I feel misunderstood. Because he is being very rational. Which can be a goos thing. Accept of missing out on emotional needs. And again this probably something I am not comunicating very clearly...
Is he bringing me down pursposly? No! And that is why I don't want to give up.
Yes! I am putting him on a pedestral. You are right in saying that altough this is probably one of the most toxic relationships I've ever had he is the one for me. I never called anyone "love of my life" before. I 've always been against hormonal birth control. With him it just felt natural to change my mind in order to be closer. And as long as I feel that we are actually looking for the same thing but getting lost in our insecurities I don't want to give up.
What I am struggling with is that I feel as if I can't talk to him about these things. He is so much better in putting things into words. Always ready. And I feel that I did so many mistakes that I there is not much I can expect from him.
How could I explain to him that I feel mistreated at times or that he is overreacting sometimes? I have tried and failed and have no idea...
He keeps telling me that I am acting selfish. But I feel that he is always looking for ways to mistrust and to feel mistreated. As if people were not having multiple reasons for their actions... some of them not being related to him.
And to me he is stubborn about some of these things. I don't feel that he is ready to be willing to actually listen an understand my point of view.
Yes, that list of his on things I said in arguments seems unhealthy to me. But it is nothing but his desperate attempt to adapt to my unspoken needs. I never speak up. I shy away from conflicts and always have. He knows that.