I had a good therapy session last week. I seem to be connecting a bit more with my T. No, I am not in love with her; but she is becoming less of this big scary person who, for means of self-torture, I'm paying to prying into personal life. At one point I was thinking that maybe I was using therapy as a way to SI (I think I enjoy pain but I am too wimpy to inflict it on myself). However when I honestly assess myself I know that it has helped me. I really think my previous session helped prepare me for a meeting with a childhood friend; which was very painful but yielded a lot of healing for both of us. Mouse, I still think frequently with that pain article you posted once.

For the first time I was given an assignment to complete by my T. Each day I am supposed sit and extemporaneously write about what I am feeling towards my H for 20 mins. I not allowed to go back and edit it, just write what comes to mind. I'm supposed to bring it with to my next appointment and give it to her so we can go through each entry during the session. It didn't sound to bad so I agreed to do it.

The first night this assignment went a rye and I ended up writing about my past. Since the point of the assignment was to simply get stuff out, I let myself go off track that evening. The following evenings I stuck to the assignment topic and like a good little student have followed the directions not permitting editing.

Last night I reviewed my weeks entries and felt really nauseous. I don't like who I am in these writings. I am not going to be able to share them with her. I know some believe that it may be wrong to keep your inner self in check. But I really don't want to share who I really am.