You're not a bad wife, but these fights sounds really stressful. It's too bad he won't go with you to the therapist so you can start to work out some of the communication issues.

Having an argument loud enough that the cops get called over de-icing is scary. Even if you work with your therapist alone or just work on your own on skills to prevent it from escalating like that, it could be really helpful. And I really would work on accepting help and loving gestures from him. What went through your mind when you saw him de-icing your car? Were you worried he was going to mess it up?