<blockquote>
I've only read a few of your posts eskielover but I recall you talking about the farm you'd bought for yourself in Kentucky and your hopes of creating a new life for yourself there. I suppose the critical question is, will your husband be part of that life?

I don't know if it will bring you any comfort but I suspect it's quite "normal" to feel conflicted about leaving a marriage, particularly one that spans 32 years of your life. What seems to be causing you the most conflict is trying to justify your desire to go. If he was a womanizer, or an alcoholic, or if he physically abused you, you might find it easier to heed the voice that says, "ENOUGH!" But he's not, so you feel pulled by the voice that says, "Maybe the problem is you..." One of these "voices" seems willing to acknowledge that you're not happy, the other seems to be suggesting you have no right to not be happy.

You also seem to be describing two stages in your marriage; one when you were both working and could afford to delude yourselves about how much debt you were actually carrying, and another stage when you both lost your jobs and reality hit home, hard. Many a marriage has crumbled in a crisis situation and it doesn't take much to imagine that the last few years have been difficult ones for each of you personally and for the marriage itself. If the marriage was ever a good one, I think it's often worth doing your best to hang on through the crisis until you can reach more stable ground. But if it's never been a good marriage, people just don't have the heart to stay. It's been said that many marriages go out with a whimper, not a bang. It's not necessary that your husband be a bad person for you to not be happy with him or to want to find some happiness for yourself by following a different path.

The behaviors you describe in your husband strike me as being disrespectful. That's how I'd feel if I was in a relationship with someone who was rude, consistently presented themselves as superior, didn't acknowledge or listen to my own opinions, etc. alexandra suggested couple's counselling and I think that's a terrific idea if you ever had a good marriage and you're hopeful you can recapture it. If you're ready to actually leave however, you might benefit more from individual counselling. A good counselor could help you sort through those internal conflicts and also help you identify any behaviors of your own that may have contributed or that aren't healthy for you to continue.

Given the nature of your circumstances I would also suggest that you secure a financial counselor and legal counsel, perhaps before you seek out any other kind of counsel. It sounds as if a great deal of the potential for your future happiness lies with your property in Kentucky. For that reason, you need to take steps to safeguard it. For example, if you and your husband divorce and the bank forecloses on your mortgage, can they seize that property? You seem to be in a state of transition and sometimes, the only way to make it through is to keep your eyes on the prize. I'd hate to see you lose that.

It may be that you won't be able to make a decision about your marriage until you're in more stable space. For that reason, it might be helpful to take it slow. For example, perhaps you could suggest a separation period as opposed to a divorce. Maybe you need a bit of time to distance yourself from the situation so you can make your best decision.

You also noted that during the course of your marriage you lost your own sense of values. It's time to rediscover and start living by them. You may find that the voice that shouts "ENOUGH!" comes from that old set of values and the voices that says, "Maybe it's you..." is the one you need to set aside.