Hi,
I am new to this forum and have decided to post because I'm scared and I don't understand myself or anything that has happened.

I am 31, and I am just starting to gain insight Into my behaviour, my feelings and my emotional reactions.

I am not diagnosed, and am currsntky going through the testing process.

I believe I have been bipolar my whole life. It has greatly affected my work, schooling, friendships and relationships. I always thought I was crazy, I would have these swings of moods, at first really happy, confident and ambitious, and then all of a sudden I would be very irritable, angry or sad and depressed.

I would pick fights with boyfriends, and sometimes I would errupt in a violent anger if I felt unjustly ignored or that they didn't care. I would rage for hours, until I got tired and then would come down and regret everything I had said and done.

This past year I hit an all time low, which is why I'm writing on here and getting tested. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up, and I tried everything to get him back. I was devastated. After he left I was a shell of a person for a long time. I fell into a depressed state. I met another man, who I slept with and then got pregnant. I had an abortion, began stealing from my friends, and lying to everyone.

This whole time I felt like me, but not like me. Like I was floating above my own body and watching all of this.

Is this normal?? I have felt like one been crazy my whole life, but just chalked it up to I'm just a really passionate person, and that it's in my nature. I'm so confused, scared, and ashamed. My friends have dropped me and I'm left to rebuild and understand why I do the things I do. I never feel like I'm manic u til after and then I think wow why did I do that.

Can somebody please tell me if they have experienced anything similar